[chuuya wakes from a dead slumber with an abrupt start this morning, all but thrashing his way out from the blankets he's cocooned himself in-- and for several long moments afterward, he's not exactly responsive. he's still breathing hard, eyes fixed on his hands; he remembers, he saw the markings on his skin before he lost awareness, he recalls what it felt like to wake from it.
he remembers dazai's voice: if my support comes too late, you'll die.
his own voice: i trusted you. i used corruption.
so that's what corruption is. that's the thing john mentioned the other month; is that why yasusada asked if his ability was what killed him?
his own words still ring in his head along with memories from here that are no longer blurred-- i trusted you, i trusted you-- and he doesn't look up as he speaks, his voice a hoarse whisper.]
Still, he's a light sleeper - and the thrashing manages to get him to jolt up immediately. His focus immediately narrows onto Chuuya, reaches out to him automatically when he seems to calm. Is he seeing something that Baren doesn't? His brow furrows and he reaches out to push Chuuya's bangs aside to look at his eyes—
But there it is.
It's funny - how he saw this moment coming from miles away and he still doesn't feel ready.]
[his voice is still low, but there's an edge to it, there. he knows baren knows-- now that he has the memory back, he remembers that this is what he'd told baren about, once. he'd entrusted him with it.
chuuya's hands fall to his lap, fingers tangling tightly into the covers.]
Chuuya remembers and Baren never got around to finding someone who could seal off powers. Even if Chuuya doesn't have the power itself anymore, this is the start of something. The discomfort swirls in the pit of Baren's stomach and he pulls his hand back when he hears the edge in Chuuya's voice.
Trying to weasel his way back into his good graces would be unfair.]
[chuuya finally looks up there, his expression not exactly hard to read-- but it's a mix of emotions, too uncertain to really settle on one. he doesn't know what to think yet, how to feel about it.]
If it came back and I didn't know--
[his hands clench, and he shakes his head a little more intently than necessary to clear it.]
[His expression probably says it faster than his words do -
Not a chance in hell.
Still Baren can't help the irritation, if only because—] I told you months ago that I wouldn't.
[He'd said months ago that he was hiding something from Chuuya, something that would get him pissed off later. Baren knew this was coming. Like watching a volcano erupt from miles off, the heat engulfing and destroying everything slowly, but surely. Still, he'd done nothing to stop it.]
You can't use it if you don't know what it was - there was no need to risk telling you if that brought it back sooner.
I trusted you to keep secrets because I thought you'd tell me if I needed to know! I-- fuck, not mentioning the mafia business or Dazai is one thing, but this is my life we're talking about!
[trust is supposed to go both ways, right? isn't baren supposed to trust him with things, too?
maybe he shouldn't have assumed so.]
It could've happened. My gravity came back without me remembering a damn thing. What if I'd just remembered the trigger, Baren? Figured out how to use it without remembering what'd happen to me?
Guess I was banking on even you not being stupid enough to use something that you don't know how to work.
[ - and even then Baren doesn't say what's required for it. He doesn't say anything about the incantation, not before Chuuya does. Maybe he doesn't remember that part yet. Maybe there's still a chance that even if he wanted to use it, for whatever reason, he can't.
Still Baren can't help the irritation lurking beneath his veins. He gets up from the bed just to put some distance between them, feeling the prickles of agitation in his shoulders, his hands.]
Be pissed about what I kept from you if you want - but I told you from the beginning that I wasn't telling you everything.
-guess I was banking on you trusting me enough to tell me shit like this, if it was important.
[he lets baren leave the bed without trying to follow, though he does push the blankets aside to free himself from the tangle of fabric-- and rimbaud, roused by both their voices and the movement, hops off the bed to follow baren, rubbing against his ankles with a meow.
great, even his own cat's ditching him. chuuya huffs out an annoyed breath.]
Why? So you could remember faster and waltz into your own death again? I trusted you not to do that once before, if you remember - but fuck if I know what you do or don't anymore.
[He doesn't mean to say it so harshly—
But he does, because he's frustrated. Because Chuuya isn't getting it. If Baren told him, then it could've risked Chuuya finding out about corruption faster. And the more Chuuya knows about corruption... what - the more likely he is to use it even without a safety net? Hell if Baren knows anymore. He still doesn't even know what prompted him to use it the first time.
But neither does Chuuya.
So he bites his tongue on the rest.
He picks up Rimbaud and puts him back on the bed, pacing further away with an aggravated hand running through his own hair.
He's hardly feeling nurturing right now, even for Rimbo.]
[okay, now chuuya's following, ignoring the plaintive noise from the cat as he stalks after his partner.]
You think I would've wanted to die?! I-- look, I don't remember what happened. I don't know. But I know I wouldn't leave you for any stupid reason, alright? You could at least trust that I wouldn't have done something like that if I had another choice!
[he reaches for baren's arm, there-- even in the midst of an argument, a part of him is worried that he'll just run.]
[He might just run - but if nothing else, he doesn't want to be touched.
Originally he'd held back because he knows that if he touches Chuuya, the other would lean into it. Now he's so tense that he doesn't want any sort of hold in return. He moves his arm out of Chuuya's reach, not bothering to hide his scowl as he does because - it's not fair for him to get mad at Chuuya.
But it's not fucking fair that Chuuya doesn't remember that he chose to leave.]
Yamato had to tell me you were sorry, after you were already gone.
If you were sorry why didn't you just wait? Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you use him—
[ - because what's the point of Baren gathering strength and swords and people loyal to him if it means that he could risk losing everything anyway?
He shakes his head.]
You can't even give me the answers I want. So fucking excuse me if I didn't want to give you the one tool you could use to leave again. And I told you that and you said you trusted me.
[And I believed that you would.]
So don't ask for my trust when yours comes and goes with the wind, alright?
[he's all worked up, all ready to give baren another heated response--
but those last words are a slap in the face, one that freezes him in place and saps all the fire from him as his hand drops back to his side.
putting his trust in baren has been a constant in their relationship, even when other parts of it were up in the air. he never knew if baren would come back or not over the years, but trusted that he would at some point. trusted that someone who took care of him was worth waiting on and pursuing, trusted that baren would stay despite all chuuya's fears that he wouldn't. he's tried hard to keep that trust in mind, even with his own insecurities.
so hearing that-- it stings more than a lot of things baren could say, and chuuya is silent for a few long moments.]
So that's what you think of me, huh.
[it's rarer for chuuya to come off cold when his anger normally burns-- but there it is. his hands are clenched at his sides.]
If it's that easy for you to write off, then fine.
Easy? You think it's easy? You think any of this shit's been easy?!
[Compared to Chuuya's delayed response, Baren snaps - his voice a crescendo as he repeats the word and the pitch of his voice raises with his temper and disbelief.
None of this is easy.
Letting another person in isn't easy. Convincing himself that another person who says that they love him isn't lying isn't easy. Wanting to believe that Chuuya really would trust him with absolutely everything and wouldn't be mad even when secrets were revealed wasn't easy but - he did it.
And god, did he think Chuuya was amazing for it. If to err is human and to forgive is divine then Baren was ready to start believing if Chuuya really kept to his word and trusted that Baren was always working in his best interest and the keeping secrets was all worth it and understandable but.
Of fucking course it's not the case.
For once he feels like he's hoped for too much instead of too little - and he decides they're not going to make any progress here. He's too mad to listen, too scathing to apologize. He doesn't even bother to grab his coat as he heads for the door and barely thinks to throw one last sentence over his shoulder.]
Call me when you're done being fucking impossible.
[He'll come back.
Even now, he knows that he'll come back.
But hell if he'll be the one to admit that he's wrong first.]
[he starts to follow, out of reflex more than anything, but-- if he's set on going, then chuuya knows there's no stopping him. if he's finished, there's no continuing the conversation.
he doesn't manage to respond until the door is already closed behind baren.]
I'm not the one running the fuck away!
[yelling at an empty apartment doesn't make him feel much better, though.
he thinks he's in the right; it's his life they're talking about, corruption is important to know about, and chuuya's sure he's justified in being angry even if he did tell baren it was okay to keep secrets from him--
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he remembers dazai's voice: if my support comes too late, you'll die.
his own voice: i trusted you. i used corruption.
so that's what corruption is. that's the thing john mentioned the other month; is that why yasusada asked if his ability was what killed him?
his own words still ring in his head along with memories from here that are no longer blurred-- i trusted you, i trusted you-- and he doesn't look up as he speaks, his voice a hoarse whisper.]
...you didn't tell me.
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Still, he's a light sleeper - and the thrashing manages to get him to jolt up immediately. His focus immediately narrows onto Chuuya, reaches out to him automatically when he seems to calm. Is he seeing something that Baren doesn't? His brow furrows and he reaches out to push Chuuya's bangs aside to look at his eyes—
But there it is.
It's funny - how he saw this moment coming from miles away and he still doesn't feel ready.]
... what part?
[There's still a lot he hasn't told Chuuya.]
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[his voice is still low, but there's an edge to it, there. he knows baren knows-- now that he has the memory back, he remembers that this is what he'd told baren about, once. he'd entrusted him with it.
chuuya's hands fall to his lap, fingers tangling tightly into the covers.]
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Chuuya remembers and Baren never got around to finding someone who could seal off powers. Even if Chuuya doesn't have the power itself anymore, this is the start of something. The discomfort swirls in the pit of Baren's stomach and he pulls his hand back when he hears the edge in Chuuya's voice.
Trying to weasel his way back into his good graces would be unfair.]
... I didn't.
[He wasn't going to, either.
It's unfair and he knows it.]
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[chuuya finally looks up there, his expression not exactly hard to read-- but it's a mix of emotions, too uncertain to really settle on one. he doesn't know what to think yet, how to feel about it.]
If it came back and I didn't know--
[his hands clench, and he shakes his head a little more intently than necessary to clear it.]
Were you ever going to tell me, huh?
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Not a chance in hell.
Still Baren can't help the irritation, if only because—] I told you months ago that I wouldn't.
[He'd said months ago that he was hiding something from Chuuya, something that would get him pissed off later. Baren knew this was coming. Like watching a volcano erupt from miles off, the heat engulfing and destroying everything slowly, but surely. Still, he'd done nothing to stop it.]
You can't use it if you don't know what it was - there was no need to risk telling you if that brought it back sooner.
[And a bit more sharply - ]
You won't die if you don't choose to use it.
[Like you did before.]
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[trust is supposed to go both ways, right? isn't baren supposed to trust him with things, too?
maybe he shouldn't have assumed so.]
It could've happened. My gravity came back without me remembering a damn thing. What if I'd just remembered the trigger, Baren? Figured out how to use it without remembering what'd happen to me?
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[ - and even then Baren doesn't say what's required for it. He doesn't say anything about the incantation, not before Chuuya does. Maybe he doesn't remember that part yet. Maybe there's still a chance that even if he wanted to use it, for whatever reason, he can't.
Still Baren can't help the irritation lurking beneath his veins. He gets up from the bed just to put some distance between them, feeling the prickles of agitation in his shoulders, his hands.]
Be pissed about what I kept from you if you want - but I told you from the beginning that I wasn't telling you everything.
[Or anything, really.]
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[he lets baren leave the bed without trying to follow, though he does push the blankets aside to free himself from the tangle of fabric-- and rimbaud, roused by both their voices and the movement, hops off the bed to follow baren, rubbing against his ankles with a meow.
great, even his own cat's ditching him. chuuya huffs out an annoyed breath.]
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[He doesn't mean to say it so harshly—
But he does, because he's frustrated. Because Chuuya isn't getting it. If Baren told him, then it could've risked Chuuya finding out about corruption faster. And the more Chuuya knows about corruption... what - the more likely he is to use it even without a safety net? Hell if Baren knows anymore. He still doesn't even know what prompted him to use it the first time.
But neither does Chuuya.
So he bites his tongue on the rest.
He picks up Rimbaud and puts him back on the bed, pacing further away with an aggravated hand running through his own hair.
He's hardly feeling nurturing right now, even for Rimbo.]
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[okay, now chuuya's following, ignoring the plaintive noise from the cat as he stalks after his partner.]
You think I would've wanted to die?! I-- look, I don't remember what happened. I don't know. But I know I wouldn't leave you for any stupid reason, alright? You could at least trust that I wouldn't have done something like that if I had another choice!
[he reaches for baren's arm, there-- even in the midst of an argument, a part of him is worried that he'll just run.]
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Originally he'd held back because he knows that if he touches Chuuya, the other would lean into it. Now he's so tense that he doesn't want any sort of hold in return. He moves his arm out of Chuuya's reach, not bothering to hide his scowl as he does because - it's not fair for him to get mad at Chuuya.
But it's not fucking fair that Chuuya doesn't remember that he chose to leave.]
Yamato had to tell me you were sorry, after you were already gone.
If you were sorry why didn't you just wait? Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you use him—
[ - because what's the point of Baren gathering strength and swords and people loyal to him if it means that he could risk losing everything anyway?
He shakes his head.]
You can't even give me the answers I want. So fucking excuse me if I didn't want to give you the one tool you could use to leave again. And I told you that and you said you trusted me.
[And I believed that you would.]
So don't ask for my trust when yours comes and goes with the wind, alright?
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but those last words are a slap in the face, one that freezes him in place and saps all the fire from him as his hand drops back to his side.
putting his trust in baren has been a constant in their relationship, even when other parts of it were up in the air. he never knew if baren would come back or not over the years, but trusted that he would at some point. trusted that someone who took care of him was worth waiting on and pursuing, trusted that baren would stay despite all chuuya's fears that he wouldn't. he's tried hard to keep that trust in mind, even with his own insecurities.
so hearing that-- it stings more than a lot of things baren could say, and chuuya is silent for a few long moments.]
So that's what you think of me, huh.
[it's rarer for chuuya to come off cold when his anger normally burns-- but there it is. his hands are clenched at his sides.]
If it's that easy for you to write off, then fine.
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[Compared to Chuuya's delayed response, Baren snaps - his voice a crescendo as he repeats the word and the pitch of his voice raises with his temper and disbelief.
None of this is easy.
Letting another person in isn't easy. Convincing himself that another person who says that they love him isn't lying isn't easy. Wanting to believe that Chuuya really would trust him with absolutely everything and wouldn't be mad even when secrets were revealed wasn't easy but - he did it.
And god, did he think Chuuya was amazing for it. If to err is human and to forgive is divine then Baren was ready to start believing if Chuuya really kept to his word and trusted that Baren was always working in his best interest and the keeping secrets was all worth it and understandable but.
Of fucking course it's not the case.
For once he feels like he's hoped for too much instead of too little - and he decides they're not going to make any progress here. He's too mad to listen, too scathing to apologize. He doesn't even bother to grab his coat as he heads for the door and barely thinks to throw one last sentence over his shoulder.]
Call me when you're done being fucking impossible.
[He'll come back.
Even now, he knows that he'll come back.
But hell if he'll be the one to admit that he's wrong first.]
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[he starts to follow, out of reflex more than anything, but-- if he's set on going, then chuuya knows there's no stopping him. if he's finished, there's no continuing the conversation.
he doesn't manage to respond until the door is already closed behind baren.]
I'm not the one running the fuck away!
[yelling at an empty apartment doesn't make him feel much better, though.
he thinks he's in the right; it's his life they're talking about, corruption is important to know about, and chuuya's sure he's justified in being angry even if he did tell baren it was okay to keep secrets from him--
so why does he still feel like he fucked up?
fuck. he needs a drink. better yet, a bottle.]