-guess I was banking on you trusting me enough to tell me shit like this, if it was important.
[he lets baren leave the bed without trying to follow, though he does push the blankets aside to free himself from the tangle of fabric-- and rimbaud, roused by both their voices and the movement, hops off the bed to follow baren, rubbing against his ankles with a meow.
great, even his own cat's ditching him. chuuya huffs out an annoyed breath.]
Why? So you could remember faster and waltz into your own death again? I trusted you not to do that once before, if you remember - but fuck if I know what you do or don't anymore.
[He doesn't mean to say it so harshly—
But he does, because he's frustrated. Because Chuuya isn't getting it. If Baren told him, then it could've risked Chuuya finding out about corruption faster. And the more Chuuya knows about corruption... what - the more likely he is to use it even without a safety net? Hell if Baren knows anymore. He still doesn't even know what prompted him to use it the first time.
But neither does Chuuya.
So he bites his tongue on the rest.
He picks up Rimbaud and puts him back on the bed, pacing further away with an aggravated hand running through his own hair.
He's hardly feeling nurturing right now, even for Rimbo.]
[okay, now chuuya's following, ignoring the plaintive noise from the cat as he stalks after his partner.]
You think I would've wanted to die?! I-- look, I don't remember what happened. I don't know. But I know I wouldn't leave you for any stupid reason, alright? You could at least trust that I wouldn't have done something like that if I had another choice!
[he reaches for baren's arm, there-- even in the midst of an argument, a part of him is worried that he'll just run.]
[He might just run - but if nothing else, he doesn't want to be touched.
Originally he'd held back because he knows that if he touches Chuuya, the other would lean into it. Now he's so tense that he doesn't want any sort of hold in return. He moves his arm out of Chuuya's reach, not bothering to hide his scowl as he does because - it's not fair for him to get mad at Chuuya.
But it's not fucking fair that Chuuya doesn't remember that he chose to leave.]
Yamato had to tell me you were sorry, after you were already gone.
If you were sorry why didn't you just wait? Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you use him—
[ - because what's the point of Baren gathering strength and swords and people loyal to him if it means that he could risk losing everything anyway?
He shakes his head.]
You can't even give me the answers I want. So fucking excuse me if I didn't want to give you the one tool you could use to leave again. And I told you that and you said you trusted me.
[And I believed that you would.]
So don't ask for my trust when yours comes and goes with the wind, alright?
[he's all worked up, all ready to give baren another heated response--
but those last words are a slap in the face, one that freezes him in place and saps all the fire from him as his hand drops back to his side.
putting his trust in baren has been a constant in their relationship, even when other parts of it were up in the air. he never knew if baren would come back or not over the years, but trusted that he would at some point. trusted that someone who took care of him was worth waiting on and pursuing, trusted that baren would stay despite all chuuya's fears that he wouldn't. he's tried hard to keep that trust in mind, even with his own insecurities.
so hearing that-- it stings more than a lot of things baren could say, and chuuya is silent for a few long moments.]
So that's what you think of me, huh.
[it's rarer for chuuya to come off cold when his anger normally burns-- but there it is. his hands are clenched at his sides.]
If it's that easy for you to write off, then fine.
Easy? You think it's easy? You think any of this shit's been easy?!
[Compared to Chuuya's delayed response, Baren snaps - his voice a crescendo as he repeats the word and the pitch of his voice raises with his temper and disbelief.
None of this is easy.
Letting another person in isn't easy. Convincing himself that another person who says that they love him isn't lying isn't easy. Wanting to believe that Chuuya really would trust him with absolutely everything and wouldn't be mad even when secrets were revealed wasn't easy but - he did it.
And god, did he think Chuuya was amazing for it. If to err is human and to forgive is divine then Baren was ready to start believing if Chuuya really kept to his word and trusted that Baren was always working in his best interest and the keeping secrets was all worth it and understandable but.
Of fucking course it's not the case.
For once he feels like he's hoped for too much instead of too little - and he decides they're not going to make any progress here. He's too mad to listen, too scathing to apologize. He doesn't even bother to grab his coat as he heads for the door and barely thinks to throw one last sentence over his shoulder.]
Call me when you're done being fucking impossible.
[He'll come back.
Even now, he knows that he'll come back.
But hell if he'll be the one to admit that he's wrong first.]
[he starts to follow, out of reflex more than anything, but-- if he's set on going, then chuuya knows there's no stopping him. if he's finished, there's no continuing the conversation.
he doesn't manage to respond until the door is already closed behind baren.]
I'm not the one running the fuck away!
[yelling at an empty apartment doesn't make him feel much better, though.
he thinks he's in the right; it's his life they're talking about, corruption is important to know about, and chuuya's sure he's justified in being angry even if he did tell baren it was okay to keep secrets from him--
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[he lets baren leave the bed without trying to follow, though he does push the blankets aside to free himself from the tangle of fabric-- and rimbaud, roused by both their voices and the movement, hops off the bed to follow baren, rubbing against his ankles with a meow.
great, even his own cat's ditching him. chuuya huffs out an annoyed breath.]
no subject
[He doesn't mean to say it so harshly—
But he does, because he's frustrated. Because Chuuya isn't getting it. If Baren told him, then it could've risked Chuuya finding out about corruption faster. And the more Chuuya knows about corruption... what - the more likely he is to use it even without a safety net? Hell if Baren knows anymore. He still doesn't even know what prompted him to use it the first time.
But neither does Chuuya.
So he bites his tongue on the rest.
He picks up Rimbaud and puts him back on the bed, pacing further away with an aggravated hand running through his own hair.
He's hardly feeling nurturing right now, even for Rimbo.]
no subject
[okay, now chuuya's following, ignoring the plaintive noise from the cat as he stalks after his partner.]
You think I would've wanted to die?! I-- look, I don't remember what happened. I don't know. But I know I wouldn't leave you for any stupid reason, alright? You could at least trust that I wouldn't have done something like that if I had another choice!
[he reaches for baren's arm, there-- even in the midst of an argument, a part of him is worried that he'll just run.]
no subject
Originally he'd held back because he knows that if he touches Chuuya, the other would lean into it. Now he's so tense that he doesn't want any sort of hold in return. He moves his arm out of Chuuya's reach, not bothering to hide his scowl as he does because - it's not fair for him to get mad at Chuuya.
But it's not fucking fair that Chuuya doesn't remember that he chose to leave.]
Yamato had to tell me you were sorry, after you were already gone.
If you were sorry why didn't you just wait? Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you use him—
[ - because what's the point of Baren gathering strength and swords and people loyal to him if it means that he could risk losing everything anyway?
He shakes his head.]
You can't even give me the answers I want. So fucking excuse me if I didn't want to give you the one tool you could use to leave again. And I told you that and you said you trusted me.
[And I believed that you would.]
So don't ask for my trust when yours comes and goes with the wind, alright?
no subject
but those last words are a slap in the face, one that freezes him in place and saps all the fire from him as his hand drops back to his side.
putting his trust in baren has been a constant in their relationship, even when other parts of it were up in the air. he never knew if baren would come back or not over the years, but trusted that he would at some point. trusted that someone who took care of him was worth waiting on and pursuing, trusted that baren would stay despite all chuuya's fears that he wouldn't. he's tried hard to keep that trust in mind, even with his own insecurities.
so hearing that-- it stings more than a lot of things baren could say, and chuuya is silent for a few long moments.]
So that's what you think of me, huh.
[it's rarer for chuuya to come off cold when his anger normally burns-- but there it is. his hands are clenched at his sides.]
If it's that easy for you to write off, then fine.
no subject
[Compared to Chuuya's delayed response, Baren snaps - his voice a crescendo as he repeats the word and the pitch of his voice raises with his temper and disbelief.
None of this is easy.
Letting another person in isn't easy. Convincing himself that another person who says that they love him isn't lying isn't easy. Wanting to believe that Chuuya really would trust him with absolutely everything and wouldn't be mad even when secrets were revealed wasn't easy but - he did it.
And god, did he think Chuuya was amazing for it. If to err is human and to forgive is divine then Baren was ready to start believing if Chuuya really kept to his word and trusted that Baren was always working in his best interest and the keeping secrets was all worth it and understandable but.
Of fucking course it's not the case.
For once he feels like he's hoped for too much instead of too little - and he decides they're not going to make any progress here. He's too mad to listen, too scathing to apologize. He doesn't even bother to grab his coat as he heads for the door and barely thinks to throw one last sentence over his shoulder.]
Call me when you're done being fucking impossible.
[He'll come back.
Even now, he knows that he'll come back.
But hell if he'll be the one to admit that he's wrong first.]
no subject
[he starts to follow, out of reflex more than anything, but-- if he's set on going, then chuuya knows there's no stopping him. if he's finished, there's no continuing the conversation.
he doesn't manage to respond until the door is already closed behind baren.]
I'm not the one running the fuck away!
[yelling at an empty apartment doesn't make him feel much better, though.
he thinks he's in the right; it's his life they're talking about, corruption is important to know about, and chuuya's sure he's justified in being angry even if he did tell baren it was okay to keep secrets from him--
so why does he still feel like he fucked up?
fuck. he needs a drink. better yet, a bottle.]