[he's all worked up, all ready to give baren another heated response--
but those last words are a slap in the face, one that freezes him in place and saps all the fire from him as his hand drops back to his side.
putting his trust in baren has been a constant in their relationship, even when other parts of it were up in the air. he never knew if baren would come back or not over the years, but trusted that he would at some point. trusted that someone who took care of him was worth waiting on and pursuing, trusted that baren would stay despite all chuuya's fears that he wouldn't. he's tried hard to keep that trust in mind, even with his own insecurities.
so hearing that-- it stings more than a lot of things baren could say, and chuuya is silent for a few long moments.]
So that's what you think of me, huh.
[it's rarer for chuuya to come off cold when his anger normally burns-- but there it is. his hands are clenched at his sides.]
If it's that easy for you to write off, then fine.
Easy? You think it's easy? You think any of this shit's been easy?!
[Compared to Chuuya's delayed response, Baren snaps - his voice a crescendo as he repeats the word and the pitch of his voice raises with his temper and disbelief.
None of this is easy.
Letting another person in isn't easy. Convincing himself that another person who says that they love him isn't lying isn't easy. Wanting to believe that Chuuya really would trust him with absolutely everything and wouldn't be mad even when secrets were revealed wasn't easy but - he did it.
And god, did he think Chuuya was amazing for it. If to err is human and to forgive is divine then Baren was ready to start believing if Chuuya really kept to his word and trusted that Baren was always working in his best interest and the keeping secrets was all worth it and understandable but.
Of fucking course it's not the case.
For once he feels like he's hoped for too much instead of too little - and he decides they're not going to make any progress here. He's too mad to listen, too scathing to apologize. He doesn't even bother to grab his coat as he heads for the door and barely thinks to throw one last sentence over his shoulder.]
Call me when you're done being fucking impossible.
[He'll come back.
Even now, he knows that he'll come back.
But hell if he'll be the one to admit that he's wrong first.]
[he starts to follow, out of reflex more than anything, but-- if he's set on going, then chuuya knows there's no stopping him. if he's finished, there's no continuing the conversation.
he doesn't manage to respond until the door is already closed behind baren.]
I'm not the one running the fuck away!
[yelling at an empty apartment doesn't make him feel much better, though.
he thinks he's in the right; it's his life they're talking about, corruption is important to know about, and chuuya's sure he's justified in being angry even if he did tell baren it was okay to keep secrets from him--
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no subject
but those last words are a slap in the face, one that freezes him in place and saps all the fire from him as his hand drops back to his side.
putting his trust in baren has been a constant in their relationship, even when other parts of it were up in the air. he never knew if baren would come back or not over the years, but trusted that he would at some point. trusted that someone who took care of him was worth waiting on and pursuing, trusted that baren would stay despite all chuuya's fears that he wouldn't. he's tried hard to keep that trust in mind, even with his own insecurities.
so hearing that-- it stings more than a lot of things baren could say, and chuuya is silent for a few long moments.]
So that's what you think of me, huh.
[it's rarer for chuuya to come off cold when his anger normally burns-- but there it is. his hands are clenched at his sides.]
If it's that easy for you to write off, then fine.
no subject
[Compared to Chuuya's delayed response, Baren snaps - his voice a crescendo as he repeats the word and the pitch of his voice raises with his temper and disbelief.
None of this is easy.
Letting another person in isn't easy. Convincing himself that another person who says that they love him isn't lying isn't easy. Wanting to believe that Chuuya really would trust him with absolutely everything and wouldn't be mad even when secrets were revealed wasn't easy but - he did it.
And god, did he think Chuuya was amazing for it. If to err is human and to forgive is divine then Baren was ready to start believing if Chuuya really kept to his word and trusted that Baren was always working in his best interest and the keeping secrets was all worth it and understandable but.
Of fucking course it's not the case.
For once he feels like he's hoped for too much instead of too little - and he decides they're not going to make any progress here. He's too mad to listen, too scathing to apologize. He doesn't even bother to grab his coat as he heads for the door and barely thinks to throw one last sentence over his shoulder.]
Call me when you're done being fucking impossible.
[He'll come back.
Even now, he knows that he'll come back.
But hell if he'll be the one to admit that he's wrong first.]
no subject
[he starts to follow, out of reflex more than anything, but-- if he's set on going, then chuuya knows there's no stopping him. if he's finished, there's no continuing the conversation.
he doesn't manage to respond until the door is already closed behind baren.]
I'm not the one running the fuck away!
[yelling at an empty apartment doesn't make him feel much better, though.
he thinks he's in the right; it's his life they're talking about, corruption is important to know about, and chuuya's sure he's justified in being angry even if he did tell baren it was okay to keep secrets from him--
so why does he still feel like he fucked up?
fuck. he needs a drink. better yet, a bottle.]