[Why is it that Chuuya is always so determined to give Baren things that he doesn't deserve?
He blinks in surprise, too stunned to do much else, when he first sees the knife again. He recognizes it, has been cursing that it's been inconvenient to not have it to hold onto lately. It'd been their collateral - Baren gets to keep Chuuya's knife and Chuuya gets to keep his secrets.
But now Chuuya isn't even asking for that.
Baren takes the knife and - there's the familiar urge to pull Chuuya closer, to have them pressed close together whenever they have a serious moment because even if Baren can't handle emotional intimacy, physical proximity is something that he can understand.
He doesn't. But he does set the knife aside as he meets Chuuya's eyes, searching in them for an explanation.]
Because if I made you feel like I don't trust you-- then I want to prove it again.
[he shakes his head there, reaching up to fiddle with the choker. it's a little strange for it to feel familiar but also not; then again, he's felt that before.]
I-- look, I'm sorry, alright? I know I said it was okay to hide things from me. I know you didn't want to bring it back. I just... wasn't expecting what it turned out to be.
[he considers a moment, then exhales a slow breath.]
...one thing, actually. If you have to hide something like that, can you tell me why even if you can't say what? It would've been easier to take if you just said sharing some of it could be dangerous.
Just- consider that a request. I'm not asking you to make it a promise.
Baren's expression can only be described as - lost, confused. Where's the accusation that none of this would've happened if Baren hadn't kept secrets? Where's the understandable hurt from where Baren said that he couldn't trust Chuuya? Where's every single scolding and berating that he deserves for fucking this up so badly?
He keeps waiting - and it doesn't come.
Chuuya's sorry?
His lips part into a scowl - ]
Stupid.
[ - and he closes the distance between them.
He leans forward at the same time that he wraps an arm around Chuuya to pull him closer, giving into that gnawing feeling of wanting to be close, as close as possible. His face buries in Chuuya's hair as Baren's heart races and it's brief, a whisper of a thing, but in Chuuya's ear there's only the murmur of sorry.]
- should've done this two days ago, huh?
[Should've given Chuuya that comfort without asking, without being offended.
[the hurt's still there, though the anger's faded a bit after venting it other ways-- and with anyone else, sure, chuuya would still be angry. he'd still accuse them, he'd still want to argue.
it's different with baren. he's ruined other friendships when he let his emotions run too high, spoke without thinking, and that's the opposite of what he wants. he's spent the last two days trying to figure out how to fix this, what to do without just starting another fight.
he still thinks he was justified in feeling angry. it's breaking that promise to trust baren's judgment that's helped cool it off; justified or not, he's not one to break his word without making up for it.
the apology, quiet as it is, is still unexpected-- it's enough, though, for chuuya. he shakes his head, wrapping an arm around baren in turn.]
Yeah, you should've. And you're calling me stupid...
Chuuya can be stupid - but good, definitely the good one - for apologizing first and so totally when Baren's sure that there was more for him to take blame for. Baren can be stupid for storming out and being too prideful to give in even a little bit, and for about a million other reasons.
He exhales first, turning his head to press a kiss against Chuuya's hair, the smallest, simplest sign of affection that he has to offer for the moment.]
... m'not hiding anything else, Chuu. That was it.
[In case Chuuya thinks there might be more still - but with the mafia, the murder, and the entirety of corruption, that's everything that Baren could've thought to keep hidden away. And before Chuuya thinks that Baren would've kept it a secret forever - ]
Corruption can be stopped if there's someone to cancel it out, nullify it. [Another sigh - because he'd failed this one too. He ran out of time.] ... I was looking for someone who might know how, who might have a power like that.
Foxy's got a lead but -
[Nothing substantial, not enough to take the risk.]
.... I would've told you, once I found a solution.
[But there's no point hiding what he's looking for anymore.]
[baren's intentions, at least, weren't something that chuuya can fault him for, as much as he doesn't like the method; he's quiet for a minute, though, before he speaks again.]
We'll just-- have to keep looking. I'll help now that I know, there has to be someone in this damn city with that kind of ability. I don't-
[he takes a breath there to steady himself, his voice quieter.]
Something made Chuuya want to die the first time. That's the part that was so frustrating. He chose death, for whatever reason. A reason that he can't remember, a reason that Yamato can't explain either. So Baren accepts that this reason might be lost to them.
But.
He leans in to press a kiss to Chuuya's forehead before moving to hold him close.]
Yeah. You're too stubborn for us not to manage, right?
[besides, between the two of them-- he's sure they'll find something. that's the point of being partners, that they don't need to search alone.
for a bit he's content to let baren hold him close, not feeling the need to disrupt the moment by saying anything else; eventually, though, he gives baren a little nudge.]
Bed? Or were you gonna just stay out here all night.
[ . . . is it really that easy? Baren pulls back at the nudge - if just barely, keeping his arms around Chuuya and just moving to rest his forehead on his.]
I was gonna go with wherever you were.
[If he's being honest.
Being apart for that long without a word after a fight might've been a little hard on him too.]
[that's all he wants right now. the rest can come later, they can worry about the search later-- but especially with that answer, for now all chuuya wants is to keep him close. make sure he isn't going anywhere again.
he gives baren another nudge, this time aimed to get him moving, but chuuya doesn't let go of him.]
C'mon. It'll be more comfortable, yeah?
[and okay he'd be lying if he said he didn't also have other intentions but honestly, baren should expect that by now]
[the realistic and decidedly non-romantic part of baren's brain can't help but comment "absence of 48 hours sure does manage to make the heart grow fonder"
- for once he thinks it's okay if he doesn't listen. instead just shaking his head as he goes along with the encouragement, moving to get up from the couch even as they start heading toward the bedroom.]
Is that why....
[but it's just a tease because apparently these are just the things that happen in their relationship]
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[he cracks a half-smile, there, tentative and not quite full-blown.]
I didn't remember it before, but... this is yours.
[he unfolds the cloth around the knife and offers it over to baren, watching him as he does. chuuya's not entirely sure how it'll go over.]
I'm not going to ask you for anything this time, alright? Just- keep it.
[he'll entrust it to baren without asking for his secrets or anything else in return. it's the best gesture he knows how to make, right now.]
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He blinks in surprise, too stunned to do much else, when he first sees the knife again. He recognizes it, has been cursing that it's been inconvenient to not have it to hold onto lately. It'd been their collateral - Baren gets to keep Chuuya's knife and Chuuya gets to keep his secrets.
But now Chuuya isn't even asking for that.
Baren takes the knife and - there's the familiar urge to pull Chuuya closer, to have them pressed close together whenever they have a serious moment because even if Baren can't handle emotional intimacy, physical proximity is something that he can understand.
He doesn't. But he does set the knife aside as he meets Chuuya's eyes, searching in them for an explanation.]
... why?
[Chuuya doens't want anything from him anymore?]
no subject
[he shakes his head there, reaching up to fiddle with the choker. it's a little strange for it to feel familiar but also not; then again, he's felt that before.]
I-- look, I'm sorry, alright? I know I said it was okay to hide things from me. I know you didn't want to bring it back. I just... wasn't expecting what it turned out to be.
[he considers a moment, then exhales a slow breath.]
...one thing, actually. If you have to hide something like that, can you tell me why even if you can't say what? It would've been easier to take if you just said sharing some of it could be dangerous.
Just- consider that a request. I'm not asking you to make it a promise.
no subject
Baren's expression can only be described as - lost, confused. Where's the accusation that none of this would've happened if Baren hadn't kept secrets? Where's the understandable hurt from where Baren said that he couldn't trust Chuuya? Where's every single scolding and berating that he deserves for fucking this up so badly?
He keeps waiting - and it doesn't come.
Chuuya's sorry?
His lips part into a scowl - ]
Stupid.
[ - and he closes the distance between them.
He leans forward at the same time that he wraps an arm around Chuuya to pull him closer, giving into that gnawing feeling of wanting to be close, as close as possible. His face buries in Chuuya's hair as Baren's heart races and it's brief, a whisper of a thing, but in Chuuya's ear there's only the murmur of sorry.]
- should've done this two days ago, huh?
[Should've given Chuuya that comfort without asking, without being offended.
Ah, he's late.]
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it's different with baren. he's ruined other friendships when he let his emotions run too high, spoke without thinking, and that's the opposite of what he wants. he's spent the last two days trying to figure out how to fix this, what to do without just starting another fight.
he still thinks he was justified in feeling angry. it's breaking that promise to trust baren's judgment that's helped cool it off; justified or not, he's not one to break his word without making up for it.
the apology, quiet as it is, is still unexpected-- it's enough, though, for chuuya. he shakes his head, wrapping an arm around baren in turn.]
Yeah, you should've. And you're calling me stupid...
no subject
[They'll both be stupid.
Chuuya can be stupid - but good, definitely the good one - for apologizing first and so totally when Baren's sure that there was more for him to take blame for. Baren can be stupid for storming out and being too prideful to give in even a little bit, and for about a million other reasons.
He exhales first, turning his head to press a kiss against Chuuya's hair, the smallest, simplest sign of affection that he has to offer for the moment.]
... m'not hiding anything else, Chuu. That was it.
[In case Chuuya thinks there might be more still - but with the mafia, the murder, and the entirety of corruption, that's everything that Baren could've thought to keep hidden away. And before Chuuya thinks that Baren would've kept it a secret forever - ]
Corruption can be stopped if there's someone to cancel it out, nullify it. [Another sigh - because he'd failed this one too. He ran out of time.] ... I was looking for someone who might know how, who might have a power like that.
Foxy's got a lead but -
[Nothing substantial, not enough to take the risk.]
.... I would've told you, once I found a solution.
[But there's no point hiding what he's looking for anymore.]
no subject
[baren's intentions, at least, weren't something that chuuya can fault him for, as much as he doesn't like the method; he's quiet for a minute, though, before he speaks again.]
We'll just-- have to keep looking. I'll help now that I know, there has to be someone in this damn city with that kind of ability. I don't-
[he takes a breath there to steady himself, his voice quieter.]
I don't want to die again, either.
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Something made Chuuya want to die the first time. That's the part that was so frustrating. He chose death, for whatever reason. A reason that he can't remember, a reason that Yamato can't explain either. So Baren accepts that this reason might be lost to them.
But.
He leans in to press a kiss to Chuuya's forehead before moving to hold him close.]
... I'll believe you this time.
[He'll believe that Chuuya won't leave again.]
We'll figure it out.
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[besides, between the two of them-- he's sure they'll find something. that's the point of being partners, that they don't need to search alone.
for a bit he's content to let baren hold him close, not feeling the need to disrupt the moment by saying anything else; eventually, though, he gives baren a little nudge.]
Bed? Or were you gonna just stay out here all night.
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I was gonna go with wherever you were.
[If he's being honest.
Being apart for that long without a word after a fight might've been a little hard on him too.]
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[that's all he wants right now. the rest can come later, they can worry about the search later-- but especially with that answer, for now all chuuya wants is to keep him close. make sure he isn't going anywhere again.
he gives baren another nudge, this time aimed to get him moving, but chuuya doesn't let go of him.]
C'mon. It'll be more comfortable, yeah?
[and okay he'd be lying if he said he didn't also have other intentions but honestly, baren should expect that by now]
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- for once he thinks it's okay if he doesn't listen. instead just shaking his head as he goes along with the encouragement, moving to get up from the couch even as they start heading toward the bedroom.]
Is that why....
[but it's just a tease because apparently these are just the things that happen in their relationship]