[ . . . and Baren hums thoughtfully at that. Yeah. Out of left field. He can remember the feeling - back when he thought that it was fine to have a few haters, but then got slammed with the memory of people calling for his actual death.
What had he done to deserve that?
The shock of it is something - enough to rattle him out of his carefully picked out facade of nonchalance.]
You think that means anything about who you are now?
To say it doesn't matter would be an insult to whoever I killed.
[ the idea of brushing it away is troubling for odasaku, and frowns at the mere idea of doing it. of course, it doesn't mean that he's going to turn himself to the police or something similar, but he can't see himself not feeling perturbed by the memory.
the only thing more unsettling is the fact that the him of the memory was no older than a teenager. a teenager that felt nothing as he discussed a murder with his client. no anger, no sadness; absolutely nothing. ]
[It's probably a little bit Much - but Baren glances around for a moment, before looking back to Oda and tilting his head.]
Who are you apologizing to?
[He doesn't care.
He's almost painfully neutral.
It's not that he doesn't have an opinion - killing is extreme, and assassins have a lot of blood on their hands - but rather it's th same as always: his opinion doesn't matter.]
[ he still remembers the look on that boy's--no, his face as he talked to the secretary. if he had to describe it with one word...it would be 'haunting'. empty eyes that reflected no emotion. that 'him' was someone who had, most likely, grown so accustomed to killing that it had become like a second nature to him.
he fills the glass half way, and downs it in one gulp. the thought alone is still enough to send shivers down his spine. ]
And I'm sure I don't want it now. [ odasaku then sighs, adding in a sour tone. ] Besides, I barely even know how to use those guns Retrospec gave me. I don't think I could kill even if I wanted to.
[ - that he doesn't know how to kill now. Baren so accidentally fell back into his old skills from a time that he barely knows. He doesn't know what to do with them now.]
... you know, I don't think the world is black and white. The other you might've had to kill just to stay alive, or someone convinced you that it was something you had to do.
Persuasion can be poison too.
It might not take away from the bad things he did, but it doesn't mean that he was a bad person if that's what you're having trouble reconciling.
[ it's not like odasaku had ever believed the world could be defined so easily as 'black' or 'white' and 'good' and 'evil'. he had wrote and read novels where the protagonist could be described, at best, an anti-hero.
but in every one of those times, it was all fiction. he had never been involved in any of those situations, unlike now. now he has this idea finally in front of him and...it's a lot more difficult to understand.
but maybe he's not meant to understand it in the first place. maybe he's just supposed to accept it the way it is, and not question it. he's a killer, but he's not a bad person. he's not a good person either, though. that's just how it is. ]
It's tough to deal with all of this. All these memories.
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no subject
What had he done to deserve that?
The shock of it is something - enough to rattle him out of his carefully picked out facade of nonchalance.]
You think that means anything about who you are now?
... is it a big deal if it does?
no subject
[ the idea of brushing it away is troubling for odasaku, and frowns at the mere idea of doing it. of course, it doesn't mean that he's going to turn himself to the police or something similar, but he can't see himself not feeling perturbed by the memory.
the only thing more unsettling is the fact that the him of the memory was no older than a teenager. a teenager that felt nothing as he discussed a murder with his client. no anger, no sadness; absolutely nothing. ]
Sorry, but I don't think I can do that.
no subject
Who are you apologizing to?
[He doesn't care.
He's almost painfully neutral.
It's not that he doesn't have an opinion - killing is extreme, and assassins have a lot of blood on their hands - but rather it's th same as always: his opinion doesn't matter.]
If that's what you think, okay.
Don't forget them then, now that you remember.
no subject
[ at that point he finally picks up the glass, bringing it to his lips to taste liquor. it's strong, but that's exactly what he needs right now.
he drinks half of it before settling it back down; getting drunk is not the goal. ]
I just wanna know why I used to do something like that.
no subject
[The obvious answer, first. Though he doesn't let it linger. Rather, he moves on easily:]
Maybe it's the only thing you ever knew. Maybe it's what you needed to do in order to survive Maybe it's the only thing that you knew how to do.
Maybe it wasn't your choice at all.
Maybe it was.
[A shrug of one shoulder.]
It doesn't have to be who you are now, unless that's what you want.
no subject
[ he still remembers the look on that boy's--no, his face as he talked to the secretary. if he had to describe it with one word...it would be 'haunting'. empty eyes that reflected no emotion. that 'him' was someone who had, most likely, grown so accustomed to killing that it had become like a second nature to him.
he fills the glass half way, and downs it in one gulp. the thought alone is still enough to send shivers down his spine. ]
And I'm sure I don't want it now. [ odasaku then sighs, adding in a sour tone. ] Besides, I barely even know how to use those guns Retrospec gave me. I don't think I could kill even if I wanted to.
no subject
[ - that he doesn't know how to kill now. Baren so accidentally fell back into his old skills from a time that he barely knows. He doesn't know what to do with them now.]
... you know, I don't think the world is black and white. The other you might've had to kill just to stay alive, or someone convinced you that it was something you had to do.
Persuasion can be poison too.
It might not take away from the bad things he did, but it doesn't mean that he was a bad person if that's what you're having trouble reconciling.
no subject
[ it's not like odasaku had ever believed the world could be defined so easily as 'black' or 'white' and 'good' and 'evil'. he had wrote and read novels where the protagonist could be described, at best, an anti-hero.
but in every one of those times, it was all fiction. he had never been involved in any of those situations, unlike now. now he has this idea finally in front of him and...it's a lot more difficult to understand.
but maybe he's not meant to understand it in the first place. maybe he's just supposed to accept it the way it is, and not question it. he's a killer, but he's not a bad person. he's not a good person either, though. that's just how it is. ]
It's tough to deal with all of this. All these memories.
no subject
... You're not doing too bad, I think.
[You're doing as best as you can, and that's enough.]
Is it just tough reconciling the other you and the current one?