ic inbox.

[crudest]

Baren Kaiyou

i think the fuck not my guy 💩

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

Comments

2/1

[concasse]

female kangroos have 3 vaginas

for the next time we do trivia night

ur welcome

[crudest]

are you watching animal planet by yourself again

[concasse]

ur lucky i cat lie about shit anymoe

[crudest]

put on the version with snoop dog narrating i'm coming over

[concasse]

yous hitheel why didn't u tell me whre was one like that?

shit what hannel?

[crudest]

wait can you operate netflix like this

[ - he might've guessed that sanji's drunk after the typos

there's also a netflix and chill joke to be made here




he refrains]

[concasse]

i cna't even find my remote

shit 'm inna wait until yu get here

[crudest]

you're useless, sanj ♥

[hearts don't make a text any less asshole-ish baren

anyway!! he's knocking on the door.

. . . . and then calling through the door]

Are you too drunk to get up? Can I pick the lock?

[impatient little shit]

[concasse]

[Slurred all the way to hell and back:]

Yeah just pick it.

[If Baren doubted how sloshed Sanji is, well... here's the proof.]

[crudest]

[he might've already been picking by the time sanji got the first syllable out. or maybe he just works really fast! either way, baren's waltzing in and.... snorting faintly.]

How much did you have?

[concasse]

More'n I'm telling you.

[He says while making absolutely no effort to hide the three bottles of wine neatly lined up on the living room table. Sanji might be a tall bastard but... uh. Yeah, two is his limit if he's not sharing.]

[crudest]

[Baren just... almost laughs at that. He's been a shit mood all day but finding this isn't too bad. He goes to pick up the last bottle at the end and lifts it up for inspection.]

Couldn't even save me any on my birthday? Cold.

1/2

[concasse]

[With zero remorse in his expression]

Well nex' time phone'a friend and give me a head's u--

[concasse]

--It's your birthday?!

[...]

Oi what the hell, you're older than me?

[Um no? Sanji was happier without this information? And also feeling a lot less guilty. He wants a rewind]

[crudest]

Well, in about 4 hours...

[BUT CLOSE ENOUGH since no one actually sees him on his birthday. Instead he just gives a grin.]

But yeah Sanj, how come you don't respect your elders?

[concasse]

First off, hell no.

[Did that statement even answer a question? Whatever, Sanji is drunk and unwisely unwinding himself off the couch, somehow managing to stand despite three whole bottles of wine turning his vision into a tilt-a-whirl]

Second off, I still got four hours.

[crudest]

[ . . . . ???????

????????

Baren tilts his head as Sanji moves to stand, automatically stepping forward in case he needs to be caught - ]

Huh?

[eloquent.]

[concasse]

Cake.

[This conversation is going places, apparently... though he stares uncomprehending at Baren standing in front of him, until it occurs he can just... walk around him...

... Toward the kitchen...]

[crudest]

Cake?

[this is the dumbest they've ever sounded around each other and only one of them is drunk

but baren will?? follow into the kitchen?]

You just - casually had a cake?

[assuming it already exists... because sanji wouldn't just. make him a cake right.]

[concasse]

Dumbass, it doesn't exist yet.

[He makes a gesture at the fridge, nearly collides his hand into the counter, how does this man function on a daily basis. Well regardless, he's gonna start gathering ingredients he thinks go into a cake?

Like flour, right? Sugar too, that makes sense. Uh... vanilla abstract, perhaps? Oh water! Gotta have water to make everything wet and stick together.

Turning to Baren with literally a mess of ingredients held in his arms because he hasn't thought to put them down yet]

Gotta gimme time to make it first.

[crudest]

[ . . . . he sure is moving less confidently than usual? Baren watches, blinking curiously before going to sit on the counter as he normally does. This is his space now.]

... You crave cake when you're drunk?

That's new.

[how deep in denial is he going to be that sanji is making a damn cake for him]

[concasse]

-- Oi, do eggs go into cake?

[IGNORING THE FUCK OUT OF BAREN'S STUPID, Sanij's got his own hideous mistakes to focus on. His brows furrow with some confusion before he turns to glance over at Baren again]

I don't need my counter smelling like your ass, y'know.

[He doesn't even care; Sanji just thought his slurred statement was clever...]

[crudest]

[what - ]

Yes?

[WHY DOESN'T SANJI KNOWS THIS.... WHERE IS HIS MAGIC PERFECT COOKING]

Also shut the fuck up, until recently I spent more time in this kitchen than you.

[concasse]

[Hello Baren and welcome to the embarrassment known as Your Ex.

Also he hears that note of judging. Sanji sends him a snappy side-eye before finally throwing his burdens on the counter, half of them flopping over in their containers.]

Fuck off, it's the-- the wine!

[... muttering darkly]

Wine can do that, right...

[crudest]

[ . . . . baren will just quietly move to set the containers up right again because this is getting so close to a disaster zone....]

No.

[NO MERCY]

Are you in the middle of blacking out? Is that what's happening?