However, I am doing more than a half-hearted effort to watch over someone. He is hurting more than you are aware of, and why are you not aware of it?
The only way I can leave at this point is if I hurt him. The only way to bring hate is to cause him pain. And I know all the ways to do it. I would rather not, however. I take responsibility for what I have given even if what I have is manufactured. If I gave him a sense of safety, I have no right to tear it from his hands when so much has already been.
I will continue to watch over Shouto, it seems. Until he finds someone better than the both of us.
look make all the excuses you want but if you're gonna be this self-centered and self-serving letting him be dependent on you when you know you're going to leave at least acknowledge it
I do not think you know what those words mean in this particular case, Baren Kaiyou.
I don't take any pleasure in this. I am not gleefully rubbing my hands together about the situation. Very little about this makes me happy.
I am neither self-sacrificing nor self-serving. I am not self-centered nor altruistic in what is going on. Because this is not for myself. If it was for myself, I would not care about his emotional or psychological state. Because if it was just for him, I would feel something warm and kind and rewarding about it all.
I feel nothing. But I have enough morals to know I should choose the best option -- and that is all that I have.
[ Well, there is Catholic Guilt but let's not get into that. ]
you get how demented that is though, right if your morals are "well i might hurt this kid and i know all the ways to do it but i'm going to try my best not to but if i do then that's probably when i'll split and leave him only after the damage is already done" your morals are pretty useless seriously what's the fucking point
That would be demented if my morals told me that. But they do not.
It seems I have failed to explain something. And not sure where. That is my failing. So, if you would, tell me what you understand of what I am telling you so I know where I have failed?
you want what's best for sho well what you think is best for sho and that's... what him to have a safe space in you specifically? because i'm half-hearted blah blah and you think that because he went to you that means you are now given this responsibility over him but it's not because you care it's because you're a twisted fucker who can't admit he likes having power over someone
But before I attempt to correct. You do realize at least that our goals are the same. We need not be friends, and I honestly prefer it that way, but we should not be enemies.
Shouto Todoroki is in pain. It's not simply the pain of a lost loved one, however, but old wounds that have not even had the chance to heal. He may keep a calm face and readily speak of what hurts him. But that does not mean he is calm, nor does it mean that he is past anything. Sometimes, a person needs to scream when they are hurting. They need to scream to know just how hurt they are. And Shouto still does not know how deep his wounds are.
I believe he needs to understand just how wounded he is, and be able to gain confidence in himself. Indeed, I see nothing wrong in seeking comfort and feeling some small dependence on others -- every human does it in some way or another. But he has made the space he exists too small. He does not allow himself the selfishness to be hurt. The space he needs to exist in the world needs to be bigger. It needs to actually encompass himself rather than a small fraction.
He instinctively knows that he should. He subconsciously knows he wants to be comforted and spoiled by others. Yet he cannot ask for it himself, because he doesn't know how. He doesn't know how and only apologizes.
However, whether Shouto is happy or unhappy, doesn't matter to me. I attempt to make him happy because neither state matters to me, but he still is holding onto someone that does not truly care about him. So, eventually, I will hurt him.
If I were to simply cut him out of my life, if I were to hurt him enough to hate me, he would not just come to hate me, but be unable to trust others with his fragile self. This is what I mean by taking responsibility in the fact that he has come to see me as "safe."
My morals tell me it is repugnant to do anything else. Yet I consider everything I am doing is evil. That is why there is nothing self-sacrificing or self-satisfying in what my actions are. They are simply evil. And that is why I wish to give him to someone who will watch over him properly. I had hoped that it would be you, but I fear that you may be too immature for the task. This is not meant as an insult, however. I merely mean that you are not yet ready to take such responsibility. Because you did not see him screaming in pain all this time, when I could hear it when he first spoke to me.
And that, too, is what I mean that we needs to find someone better than the both of us.
[Baren reads over this wall of text and he hates it.
He rests on the ultimate reason why Kei isn't just fucking off into the wild blue yonder - and it's in this: "I fear that you may be too immature for the task." Baren reads it over a few times and considers it. He doesn't know if he's up for taking care of Shouto, but he's trying. He doesn't know if that's enough.
On the other hand, he knows one truth that he nearly types out to Kei: You don't know anything about me.
Baren reminds himself that that's on purpose. He knows without hesitation that if it meant guaranteeing Shouto's safety and distance from this man, he'd immediately jump through whatever hurdles existed in order to prove himself responsible.
That guarantee doesn't exist. Not with someone like this, as far as Baren's concerned.]
what's it like to have your head so far up your own ass? not meant as an insult or anything just wondering
that was a wall of text that still tells me that you think too highly of yourself as if you're the only person in the city who can tell when someone's got issues but whatever we've all got flaws some of us have flaws more obnoxious than others
if you want to find sho another guardian i'm not going to disagree but as i'm sure you've noticed everyone starts to go down in flames in this city once they start remembering their bullshit
I don't know why you think I think highly of myself. There really is no reason to get a complex.
And I didn't say I was the only person who noticed. I said you did not notice his pain. Or you did and didn't want to do anything. That's not thinking highly of myself, Baren Kaiyou. Because I already told you I view my actions as evil. You cannot act righteous when you did not give him enough comfort that he couldn't tell an act when it was right in front of him. I refuse to allow such righteousness from you.
yeah yeah refuse all you want i really don't care what you think and if i'm wrong then you shouldn't care what i think either promise i'm not gonna cry if we don't play nice in the sandbox
what do you mean a loss don't fucking give up already this is a giant fucking city there's almost definitely someone out there who can watch over sho
True enough. Your self-righteousness will either see you through or kill you. I needn't do anything at all.
I merely mean we're at a loss right now. There is someone, perhaps. But her emotionality causes me pause. If indeed, everyone goes insane as memories come back; she will be no safe harbor. So we'll keep looking.
Yes and no. It is me. I merely choose the most logical way to handle it. Since I cannot change what is happening, I change my perspective of it. It's only exhausting when intrusive thoughts come with it.
Unfortunately, I have a personal reason to get to know her. I have not spoken to her about this, nor have I thought of it more than a passing fancy just now. She has her own children and the children of her memories. She would willingly take on more, I'm certain. Her emotions lead her to make interesting choices, however. But if it means to save them, she will do what it takes. However, that is what brings me pause.
She would sacrifice someone for her children's safety. Inadvertently. Accidentally. She would allow her emotions to take hold and give up another's life for them. I don't mind her. I don't understand her. It's a different sort of state of not understanding than what I have experienced lately, however. More frustrating on a logical level than emotionally frustrating.
do you need to be able to understand someone in order to sign off on them taking care of sho do they need to match up to your fucked up standards when you aren't even capable of that just asking
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This is why he did not seek you out for shelter.
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just because i pointed out why you suck
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However, I am doing more than a half-hearted effort to watch over someone.
He is hurting more than you are aware of, and why are you not aware of it?
The only way I can leave at this point is if I hurt him. The only way to bring hate is to cause him pain.
And I know all the ways to do it.
I would rather not, however.
I take responsibility for what I have given even if what I have is manufactured.
If I gave him a sense of safety, I have no right to tear it from his hands when so much has already been.
I will continue to watch over Shouto, it seems. Until he finds someone better than the both of us.
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look make all the excuses you want
but if you're gonna be this self-centered and self-serving
letting him be dependent on you when you know you're going to leave
at least acknowledge it
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I don't take any pleasure in this.
I am not gleefully rubbing my hands together about the situation.
Very little about this makes me happy.
I am neither self-sacrificing nor self-serving.
I am not self-centered nor altruistic in what is going on.
Because this is not for myself. If it was for myself, I would not care about his emotional or psychological state. Because if it was just for him, I would feel something warm and kind and rewarding about it all.
I feel nothing.
But I have enough morals to know I should choose the best option -- and that is all that I have.
[ Well, there is Catholic Guilt but let's not get into that. ]
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if your morals are "well i might hurt this kid and i know all the ways to do it
but i'm going to try my best not to
but if i do then that's probably when i'll split and leave him
only after the damage is already done"
your morals are pretty useless
seriously what's the fucking point
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But they do not.
It seems I have failed to explain something.
And not sure where.
That is my failing.
So, if you would, tell me what you understand of what I am telling you so I know where I have failed?
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you want what's best for sho
well
what you think is best for sho
and that's... what
him to have a safe space in you specifically?
because i'm half-hearted blah blah
and you think that because he went to you
that means you are now given this responsibility over him
but it's not because you care
it's because you're a twisted fucker who can't admit he likes having power over someone
well i might've made up the last part
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Unfortunate.
But before I attempt to correct. You do realize at least that our goals are the same. We need not be friends, and I honestly prefer it that way, but we should not be enemies.
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i'll give you that
now shoot
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Shouto Todoroki is in pain.
It's not simply the pain of a lost loved one, however, but old wounds that have not even had the chance to heal.
He may keep a calm face and readily speak of what hurts him.
But that does not mean he is calm, nor does it mean that he is past anything.
Sometimes, a person needs to scream when they are hurting.
They need to scream to know just how hurt they are.
And Shouto still does not know how deep his wounds are.
I believe he needs to understand just how wounded he is, and be able to gain confidence in himself.
Indeed, I see nothing wrong in seeking comfort and feeling some small dependence on others -- every human does it in some way or another.
But he has made the space he exists too small.
He does not allow himself the selfishness to be hurt.
The space he needs to exist in the world needs to be bigger.
It needs to actually encompass himself rather than a small fraction.
He instinctively knows that he should.
He subconsciously knows he wants to be comforted and spoiled by others.
Yet he cannot ask for it himself, because he doesn't know how.
He doesn't know how and only apologizes.
However, whether Shouto is happy or unhappy, doesn't matter to me.
I attempt to make him happy because neither state matters to me, but he still is holding onto someone that does not truly care about him.
So, eventually, I will hurt him.
If I were to simply cut him out of my life, if I were to hurt him enough to hate me, he would not just come to hate me, but be unable to trust others with his fragile self. This is what I mean by taking responsibility in the fact that he has come to see me as "safe."
My morals tell me it is repugnant to do anything else.
Yet I consider everything I am doing is evil.
That is why there is nothing self-sacrificing or self-satisfying in what my actions are.
They are simply evil.
And that is why I wish to give him to someone who will watch over him properly.
I had hoped that it would be you, but I fear that you may be too immature for the task.
This is not meant as an insult, however.
I merely mean that you are not yet ready to take such responsibility.
Because you did not see him screaming in pain all this time, when I could hear it when he first spoke to me.
And that, too, is what I mean that we needs to find someone better than the both of us.
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He rests on the ultimate reason why Kei isn't just fucking off into the wild blue yonder - and it's in this: "I fear that you may be too immature for the task." Baren reads it over a few times and considers it. He doesn't know if he's up for taking care of Shouto, but he's trying. He doesn't know if that's enough.
On the other hand, he knows one truth that he nearly types out to Kei: You don't know anything about me.
Baren reminds himself that that's on purpose. He knows without hesitation that if it meant guaranteeing Shouto's safety and distance from this man, he'd immediately jump through whatever hurdles existed in order to prove himself responsible.
That guarantee doesn't exist. Not with someone like this, as far as Baren's concerned.]
what's it like to have your head so far up your own ass?
not meant as an insult or anything
just wondering
that was a wall of text that still tells me that you think too highly of yourself
as if you're the only person in the city who can tell when someone's got issues
but whatever
we've all got flaws
some of us have flaws more obnoxious than others
if you want to find sho another guardian i'm not going to disagree
but as i'm sure you've noticed
everyone starts to go down in flames in this city once they start remembering their bullshit
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There really is no reason to get a complex.
And I didn't say I was the only person who noticed.
I said you did not notice his pain.
Or you did and didn't want to do anything.
That's not thinking highly of myself, Baren Kaiyou.
Because I already told you I view my actions as evil.
You cannot act righteous when you did not give him enough comfort that he couldn't tell an act when it was right in front of him.
I refuse to allow such righteousness from you.
And that is why it is best we are not friends.
Anyway.
It seems like we're at a loss.
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i really don't care what you think
and if i'm wrong then you shouldn't care what i think either
promise i'm not gonna cry if we don't play nice in the sandbox
what do you mean a loss
don't fucking give up already
this is a giant fucking city
there's almost definitely someone out there who can watch over sho
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Your self-righteousness will either see you through or kill you.
I needn't do anything at all.
I merely mean we're at a loss right now.
There is someone, perhaps.
But her emotionality causes me pause.
If indeed, everyone goes insane as memories come back; she will be no safe harbor.
So we'll keep looking.
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depends on the memories
there's probably someone with decent coping mechanisms around
who were you thinking of
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Please allow that to sink in and join my rising horror.
I was thinking of "Elda Marker."
But I do not know her well enough.
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ew
your facade's really that good huh
sounds exhausting
oh
i know her
she's good
you can stop trying to get to know her better now
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It is me.
I merely choose the most logical way to handle it.
Since I cannot change what is happening, I change my perspective of it.
It's only exhausting when intrusive thoughts come with it.
Unfortunately, I have a personal reason to get to know her.
I have not spoken to her about this, nor have I thought of it more than a passing fancy just now.
She has her own children and the children of her memories.
She would willingly take on more, I'm certain.
Her emotions lead her to make interesting choices, however.
But if it means to save them, she will do what it takes.
However, that is what brings me pause.
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[they're talking about shouto hE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW THE DETAILS ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE, KEI]
i'm pretty sure that's just called
being a mother
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And I dislike being misunderstood.
And I wouldn't know.
You must like her.
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don't phrase it like that
there's not really a "we" here
let's not misunderstand that either
she's responsible, reasonable, cares a lot about her kids
what's not to like
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She would sacrifice someone for her children's safety.
Inadvertently.
Accidentally.
She would allow her emotions to take hold and give up another's life for them.
I don't mind her.
I don't understand her.
It's a different sort of state of not understanding than what I have experienced lately, however.
More frustrating on a logical level than emotionally frustrating.
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do they need to match up to your fucked up standards
when you aren't even capable of that
just asking
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I like Shouto well enough.
I don't care about his happiness or unhappiness.
But I like him enough to see this through without cutting corners.
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