[Even after all this time, it still feels strange, sensing someone's touch through something entirely separate from his body. He doesn't flinch or jump, but he watches Baren with guarded eyes, unsure how to respond. He understands Baren, to an extent, but he doesn't really know him well enough to gauge the intent behind his actions; even when his vessel rests equally between them, it takes a minute for him to react.
Slowly, he lowers hands to rest on the blade, but he doesn't try to pull it away. He just sits, picking apart the differences in their touch. Baren's comment does draw his attention, though, and he blinks, brow furrowing.]
Really? Even after all of this? ["This" being their memories, the relics they've regained... everything, really, that they've gone through this past year.]
Destiny means that things can't be changed. That there's a way that things are supposed to be... and maybe to some people that's comforting, and they want to rely on that.
[But the unsaid rings between them: "But I can't believe in that."]
Everything that they say about souls... I think that a core of a person doesn't change, that's probably true. That their heart is probably meant to be the same.
But they're different because of who they meet. The you here isn't the same as the you in your memories, because you have different masters. The same goes for Kiyo. The same goes for me - and having swords to take in at all.
Who can say if it's better or worse.... I don't think it has to be better or worse. It's just... different.
[Yasusada's quiet for a little while, chewing on that thought. Baren does have a point--and he's expressed similar things to other people before, too. The past is the past, and no matter how attached he personally feels, his friends are under no obligation to feel the same. They can push you towards being who you were but they can't change who you already are, he'd told Chuuya, during their very first conversation. He still believes that to be true.
But even so--]
You told me you thought some people were meant to be together.
For some... it's with luck - but then, I guess, luck might be the closest thing that we have to fate. Luck, followed by hard work and time.
[It's brief - but he glances toward the bedroom door where his partner's still sleeping.
Then he meets Yamato's eyes again and tilts his head.]
Others - I think souls can be tied together. You and Kiyo are always the first ones I think of, weirdly enough? The fact that you're still together in this life, that you knew each other even before the app went live and brought you both in.... That probably means something.
I'm waiting for my sister, but the fact that we're still twins here - that we're still related - I think that means something.
[he's too codependent, too attached to believe otherwise]
[Yasusada would be lying if he claimed to fully understand. He's never put much stock in the idea of "luck"--how could he, when he's so ready to believe in fate? When, after finally conceding their visions to truly be memories, he'd so easily accepted what he was? What he is?
Still... he didn't come here to debate. And while he won't admit it, he appreciates Baren taking the time to explain his thoughts. He doesn't think he'll ever say they're friends, but this sort of relationship... isn't bad.]
...anyway, Kiyomitsu stopped me before it went too far. [His lips quirk up in a little half-smile at that, though it's undeniably sad. He'd wanted so badly to save Kashuu, but he can't even feign surprise that Kashuu was the one to save him.] I made him cry.
Baren watches Yasusada, tilts his head faintly at the sad smile, if only because he decides in that moment that he doesn't like that. The relationship between master and sword is an odd one but - he knows innately, immediately, that he doesn't want to see that expression on his sword's face.]
... he cares about you. It's only natural to cry when you're faced with the chance of losing someone you care about, right?
[It's a rhetorical question. They both know perfectly well that that's just not the sort of person Kashuu is--that he'd never want to be seen doing something so unsightly. The only time Baren's likely to have seen Kashuu cry is when he'd regained his death memories, and even Yasusada can count the times he's witnessed it on one hand.
Yasusada, on the other hand, has about the same level of emotional competence as he did when he was five. Oblivious to Baren's feelings and all but incapable of hiding his own, he just looks down at his hands, fiddling idly with his fingers.]
Even when we talked about Okita-kun... I don't think he cried. I don't remember much, but I think he just didn't like to talk about him at all.
[ - that was indeed the only time that Baren's ever seen Kashuu cry.
He still doesn't take it back.]
.... his old master? [ - who let him break?] Something tells me that that's a bit more complicated than his feelings towards you, Yacchan.
[If Baren had to take a guess.
It's based off his own experience - he loves his mother, even if he knows that it's more complicated than that. There were feelings that she inspired that were a lot less positive, that left more scars than hope. It's infinitely more complicated than how he feels toward Okuni, who only gets his unabashed love.
[The thing is, it's not like Yasusada doesn't understand at all. Theoretically, he can understand what Baren's trying to say. With his human upbringing, he has a much better grasp of the complexity of relationships than he ever did in his last lifetime--but even then, it's not enough.
Yasusada is a simple person. He experiences his emotions as they come, and rarely does he try to fight them back or cover them up. He's open and honest, and those who earn his love and devotion tend to keep a permanent place in his rose-tinted memories. Even when it comes to things like betrayal or abandonment, no matter how shallow his experiences seem now, his feelings had been fairly straightforward. Regret, or resentment--and he'd never been quiet about either.
So in theory, he understands. But he doesn't truly get it; he never really has, no matter how hard he's tried. Baren isn't Kashuu, but they seem to have an understanding when it comes to these things, so... there's really only one thing he can say to that.]
[ . . . . and Baren can only softly admit:] You have to talk to Kiyo about it.
[Because it's not his place.
He knows that.
To try to speak for him, when even Yamato can't understand... maybe it's something that Baren can, but if it's not something that they've talked about, then he wonders if it's something that he should say. If these are words that are meant to be spoken into reality, or if they should wait.
If nothing else, maybe he can improvise.]
... Association just might be a very strong thing.
[It's a perfectly fair answer, but it makes Yasusada sigh quietly anyway. He lets his head drop back against the couch, staring at the ceiling as he tries to gather his thoughts. Talking to Kashuu about his feelings towards their friend and former master would involve Kashuu openly acknowledging what he is, in a way he's pointedly tried not to do since the beginning. When they do talk, it's going to be a very long conversation... if Kashuu doesn't brush him off and bolt, anyway.]
...they talked to each other without telling me, for a while.
[When he finally speaks again, there's no pain or accusation in his voice, just a hint of soft nostalgia.]
Maybe they kept in touch while Kiyomitsu was gone, I don't know. But I know he came over to our apartment a few times. Soujirou-kun... I didn't even know he was still in the city until last year. Kiyomitsu never did mention it, even after I told him we'd met again.
[Even he's not sure why he's telling Baren all of this. Maybe just to put it out into the open--saying it to either Kashuu or Soujirou themselves would feel too much like an accusation, when it's not. Maybe it's an unspoken question--"what does it mean?"--though Baren certainly wouldn't have an answer to that. Yasusada might acknowledge that Baren knows a lot about a lot of things, but he's certainly not omnipotent. And Yasusada doesn't expect him to be.]
[ . . . it's a tricky place to navigate. Baren already doesn't have the best grasp on relationships, on emotions, as new to the former as he is and as much as he tries to suppress the latter. Still, he listens easily when Yamato explains, if all that Yamato needs is someone to listen.
Some part of Baren thinks that maybe he should tell his sword what to do, because that's what a master's role is meant to be. To provide that guidance, that purpose -
But despite everything he'd said, it's hard to acknowledge Yamato as a sword and a sword alone. This is a part of his human life. The part that belonged to him, and only him.]
... Kiyo's your partner in everything, but he probably still has a hard time talking about the stuff that matters to him. That's too sore for him to acknowledge.
[Yamato was the one who'd told him about how Kashuu left the city, after all. This is Baren's best guess.]
... I don't think he realizes how it might make you feel. He's not always self-centered, really, but... sometimes when it's painful, the lens gets smaller, you know?
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Slowly, he lowers hands to rest on the blade, but he doesn't try to pull it away. He just sits, picking apart the differences in their touch. Baren's comment does draw his attention, though, and he blinks, brow furrowing.]
Really? Even after all of this? ["This" being their memories, the relics they've regained... everything, really, that they've gone through this past year.]
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[But the unsaid rings between them: "But I can't believe in that."]
Everything that they say about souls... I think that a core of a person doesn't change, that's probably true. That their heart is probably meant to be the same.
But they're different because of who they meet. The you here isn't the same as the you in your memories, because you have different masters. The same goes for Kiyo. The same goes for me - and having swords to take in at all.
Who can say if it's better or worse.... I don't think it has to be better or worse. It's just... different.
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But even so--]
You told me you thought some people were meant to be together.
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[It's brief - but he glances toward the bedroom door where his partner's still sleeping.
Then he meets Yamato's eyes again and tilts his head.]
Others - I think souls can be tied together. You and Kiyo are always the first ones I think of, weirdly enough? The fact that you're still together in this life, that you knew each other even before the app went live and brought you both in.... That probably means something.
I'm waiting for my sister, but the fact that we're still twins here - that we're still related - I think that means something.
[he's too codependent, too attached to believe otherwise]
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Still... he didn't come here to debate. And while he won't admit it, he appreciates Baren taking the time to explain his thoughts. He doesn't think he'll ever say they're friends, but this sort of relationship... isn't bad.]
...anyway, Kiyomitsu stopped me before it went too far. [His lips quirk up in a little half-smile at that, though it's undeniably sad. He'd wanted so badly to save Kashuu, but he can't even feign surprise that Kashuu was the one to save him.] I made him cry.
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When your better half comes to save you -
That sounds familiar.
Baren watches Yasusada, tilts his head faintly at the sad smile, if only because he decides in that moment that he doesn't like that. The relationship between master and sword is an odd one but - he knows innately, immediately, that he doesn't want to see that expression on his sword's face.]
... he cares about you. It's only natural to cry when you're faced with the chance of losing someone you care about, right?
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[It's a rhetorical question. They both know perfectly well that that's just not the sort of person Kashuu is--that he'd never want to be seen doing something so unsightly. The only time Baren's likely to have seen Kashuu cry is when he'd regained his death memories, and even Yasusada can count the times he's witnessed it on one hand.
Yasusada, on the other hand, has about the same level of emotional competence as he did when he was five. Oblivious to Baren's feelings and all but incapable of hiding his own, he just looks down at his hands, fiddling idly with his fingers.]
Even when we talked about Okita-kun... I don't think he cried. I don't remember much, but I think he just didn't like to talk about him at all.
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He still doesn't take it back.]
.... his old master? [ - who let him break?] Something tells me that that's a bit more complicated than his feelings towards you, Yacchan.
[If Baren had to take a guess.
It's based off his own experience - he loves his mother, even if he knows that it's more complicated than that. There were feelings that she inspired that were a lot less positive, that left more scars than hope. It's infinitely more complicated than how he feels toward Okuni, who only gets his unabashed love.
Maybe it's something like that.]
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Yasusada is a simple person. He experiences his emotions as they come, and rarely does he try to fight them back or cover them up. He's open and honest, and those who earn his love and devotion tend to keep a permanent place in his rose-tinted memories. Even when it comes to things like betrayal or abandonment, no matter how shallow his experiences seem now, his feelings had been fairly straightforward. Regret, or resentment--and he'd never been quiet about either.
So in theory, he understands. But he doesn't truly get it; he never really has, no matter how hard he's tried. Baren isn't Kashuu, but they seem to have an understanding when it comes to these things, so... there's really only one thing he can say to that.]
Why?
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[Because it's not his place.
He knows that.
To try to speak for him, when even Yamato can't understand... maybe it's something that Baren can, but if it's not something that they've talked about, then he wonders if it's something that he should say. If these are words that are meant to be spoken into reality, or if they should wait.
If nothing else, maybe he can improvise.]
... Association just might be a very strong thing.
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...they talked to each other without telling me, for a while.
[When he finally speaks again, there's no pain or accusation in his voice, just a hint of soft nostalgia.]
Maybe they kept in touch while Kiyomitsu was gone, I don't know. But I know he came over to our apartment a few times. Soujirou-kun... I didn't even know he was still in the city until last year. Kiyomitsu never did mention it, even after I told him we'd met again.
[Even he's not sure why he's telling Baren all of this. Maybe just to put it out into the open--saying it to either Kashuu or Soujirou themselves would feel too much like an accusation, when it's not. Maybe it's an unspoken question--"what does it mean?"--though Baren certainly wouldn't have an answer to that. Yasusada might acknowledge that Baren knows a lot about a lot of things, but he's certainly not omnipotent. And Yasusada doesn't expect him to be.]
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Some part of Baren thinks that maybe he should tell his sword what to do, because that's what a master's role is meant to be. To provide that guidance, that purpose -
But despite everything he'd said, it's hard to acknowledge Yamato as a sword and a sword alone. This is a part of his human life. The part that belonged to him, and only him.]
... Kiyo's your partner in everything, but he probably still has a hard time talking about the stuff that matters to him. That's too sore for him to acknowledge.
[Yamato was the one who'd told him about how Kashuu left the city, after all. This is Baren's best guess.]
... I don't think he realizes how it might make you feel. He's not always self-centered, really, but... sometimes when it's painful, the lens gets smaller, you know?