[ - that was indeed the only time that Baren's ever seen Kashuu cry.
He still doesn't take it back.]
.... his old master? [ - who let him break?] Something tells me that that's a bit more complicated than his feelings towards you, Yacchan.
[If Baren had to take a guess.
It's based off his own experience - he loves his mother, even if he knows that it's more complicated than that. There were feelings that she inspired that were a lot less positive, that left more scars than hope. It's infinitely more complicated than how he feels toward Okuni, who only gets his unabashed love.
[The thing is, it's not like Yasusada doesn't understand at all. Theoretically, he can understand what Baren's trying to say. With his human upbringing, he has a much better grasp of the complexity of relationships than he ever did in his last lifetime--but even then, it's not enough.
Yasusada is a simple person. He experiences his emotions as they come, and rarely does he try to fight them back or cover them up. He's open and honest, and those who earn his love and devotion tend to keep a permanent place in his rose-tinted memories. Even when it comes to things like betrayal or abandonment, no matter how shallow his experiences seem now, his feelings had been fairly straightforward. Regret, or resentment--and he'd never been quiet about either.
So in theory, he understands. But he doesn't truly get it; he never really has, no matter how hard he's tried. Baren isn't Kashuu, but they seem to have an understanding when it comes to these things, so... there's really only one thing he can say to that.]
[ . . . . and Baren can only softly admit:] You have to talk to Kiyo about it.
[Because it's not his place.
He knows that.
To try to speak for him, when even Yamato can't understand... maybe it's something that Baren can, but if it's not something that they've talked about, then he wonders if it's something that he should say. If these are words that are meant to be spoken into reality, or if they should wait.
If nothing else, maybe he can improvise.]
... Association just might be a very strong thing.
[It's a perfectly fair answer, but it makes Yasusada sigh quietly anyway. He lets his head drop back against the couch, staring at the ceiling as he tries to gather his thoughts. Talking to Kashuu about his feelings towards their friend and former master would involve Kashuu openly acknowledging what he is, in a way he's pointedly tried not to do since the beginning. When they do talk, it's going to be a very long conversation... if Kashuu doesn't brush him off and bolt, anyway.]
...they talked to each other without telling me, for a while.
[When he finally speaks again, there's no pain or accusation in his voice, just a hint of soft nostalgia.]
Maybe they kept in touch while Kiyomitsu was gone, I don't know. But I know he came over to our apartment a few times. Soujirou-kun... I didn't even know he was still in the city until last year. Kiyomitsu never did mention it, even after I told him we'd met again.
[Even he's not sure why he's telling Baren all of this. Maybe just to put it out into the open--saying it to either Kashuu or Soujirou themselves would feel too much like an accusation, when it's not. Maybe it's an unspoken question--"what does it mean?"--though Baren certainly wouldn't have an answer to that. Yasusada might acknowledge that Baren knows a lot about a lot of things, but he's certainly not omnipotent. And Yasusada doesn't expect him to be.]
[ . . . it's a tricky place to navigate. Baren already doesn't have the best grasp on relationships, on emotions, as new to the former as he is and as much as he tries to suppress the latter. Still, he listens easily when Yamato explains, if all that Yamato needs is someone to listen.
Some part of Baren thinks that maybe he should tell his sword what to do, because that's what a master's role is meant to be. To provide that guidance, that purpose -
But despite everything he'd said, it's hard to acknowledge Yamato as a sword and a sword alone. This is a part of his human life. The part that belonged to him, and only him.]
... Kiyo's your partner in everything, but he probably still has a hard time talking about the stuff that matters to him. That's too sore for him to acknowledge.
[Yamato was the one who'd told him about how Kashuu left the city, after all. This is Baren's best guess.]
... I don't think he realizes how it might make you feel. He's not always self-centered, really, but... sometimes when it's painful, the lens gets smaller, you know?
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no subject
He still doesn't take it back.]
.... his old master? [ - who let him break?] Something tells me that that's a bit more complicated than his feelings towards you, Yacchan.
[If Baren had to take a guess.
It's based off his own experience - he loves his mother, even if he knows that it's more complicated than that. There were feelings that she inspired that were a lot less positive, that left more scars than hope. It's infinitely more complicated than how he feels toward Okuni, who only gets his unabashed love.
Maybe it's something like that.]
no subject
Yasusada is a simple person. He experiences his emotions as they come, and rarely does he try to fight them back or cover them up. He's open and honest, and those who earn his love and devotion tend to keep a permanent place in his rose-tinted memories. Even when it comes to things like betrayal or abandonment, no matter how shallow his experiences seem now, his feelings had been fairly straightforward. Regret, or resentment--and he'd never been quiet about either.
So in theory, he understands. But he doesn't truly get it; he never really has, no matter how hard he's tried. Baren isn't Kashuu, but they seem to have an understanding when it comes to these things, so... there's really only one thing he can say to that.]
Why?
no subject
[Because it's not his place.
He knows that.
To try to speak for him, when even Yamato can't understand... maybe it's something that Baren can, but if it's not something that they've talked about, then he wonders if it's something that he should say. If these are words that are meant to be spoken into reality, or if they should wait.
If nothing else, maybe he can improvise.]
... Association just might be a very strong thing.
no subject
...they talked to each other without telling me, for a while.
[When he finally speaks again, there's no pain or accusation in his voice, just a hint of soft nostalgia.]
Maybe they kept in touch while Kiyomitsu was gone, I don't know. But I know he came over to our apartment a few times. Soujirou-kun... I didn't even know he was still in the city until last year. Kiyomitsu never did mention it, even after I told him we'd met again.
[Even he's not sure why he's telling Baren all of this. Maybe just to put it out into the open--saying it to either Kashuu or Soujirou themselves would feel too much like an accusation, when it's not. Maybe it's an unspoken question--"what does it mean?"--though Baren certainly wouldn't have an answer to that. Yasusada might acknowledge that Baren knows a lot about a lot of things, but he's certainly not omnipotent. And Yasusada doesn't expect him to be.]
no subject
Some part of Baren thinks that maybe he should tell his sword what to do, because that's what a master's role is meant to be. To provide that guidance, that purpose -
But despite everything he'd said, it's hard to acknowledge Yamato as a sword and a sword alone. This is a part of his human life. The part that belonged to him, and only him.]
... Kiyo's your partner in everything, but he probably still has a hard time talking about the stuff that matters to him. That's too sore for him to acknowledge.
[Yamato was the one who'd told him about how Kashuu left the city, after all. This is Baren's best guess.]
... I don't think he realizes how it might make you feel. He's not always self-centered, really, but... sometimes when it's painful, the lens gets smaller, you know?