[then there's no hesitation. of course baren is going to rush over immediately? he'll even take his tanuki for transportation so he doesn't have to deal with traffic. he makes it to nika's in record time, tanuki settled on his shoulder and slips in through the window with practiced ease]
[there's a bundled lump on the bed where Nikkari is, him sitting up when he hears Baren's voice. it's clear he's barely slept - his hair's a mess, the curtains would be tightly drawn, and he's not smiling. he turns to Baren, eyes wide, and reaches out for him almost automatically.]
That was fast.
[soft - he knows his aunt's awake, at work, but he can't bring himself to be loud. and most tellingly, his room is actually neat of his own accord.]
[nika's neat and orderly room when baren wasn't the one to put everything in its place? sounds fake. baren frowns immediately when he takes in the whole picture and doesn't hesitate to make himself at home.
he steps out of his shoes and goes to join nikkari on the bed because if nikkari is reaching for him, there's no way that baren could stay still.]
That shouldn't be a surprise.
[he'll match nika's tone, immediately wrap an arm around him and use the other to smooth out his hair.]
[it's better when Baren's arm is around him, when he can reach out and touch and reassure himself that he's alive. warm and present and far, far away from anything Nikkari has in his head that's been plaguing him. like a charm, he relaxes with the words, with the gentleness there.
there's a time of just silence, when Nikkari remembers how to breathe, and then, he manages what's been so wrong.]
I keep having these dreams. They're so real that I wake up confused - like I have to make sure I'm awake.
[memories, he means, but he doesn't know if he wants to call them that.]
dreams and memories, but he was hoping that nikkari wouldn't get anything awful. he's already got enough to deal with in his current life - they'd just finally managed to make progress in that - that to pile on more would just be cruel. but... right. retrospec tends to be cruel.
he'll encourage nika to lean against him, curl around him like he's keeping him safe from whatever else is out there in the world]
You're awake. You're alive.
[soft reminders. he'll say whatever he thinks nika needs to hear.]
[Baren's solid, real. right here, Nikkari feels like he knows at least that. he breathes, and reminds himself that dreams are dreams. he's here, even if his dream was telling him so vividly that he was somewhere else.]
I just knew...everyone was going to die. Or at least a lot of them. In the war.
[why hadn't he felt like he does now? what was the disconnect?]
[ . . . ah. It's not an unfamiliar feeling. Baren remembers standing off to the side, ignoring the screams of a son begging for his father's life to be spared. It makes him tense ever so slightly - but he relaxes in the next second before he worries Nika.
He lets his fingers run through Nikkari's hair, untangling it gently like it's any other day.]
... s'pretty shit to see, isn't it? [He relates, he understands.] You're not there anymore.
[he can almost believe it, right here in Baren's embrace, letting the fear drift away. you're not there. those words anchor him - Baren knows, has always known how to pull him back. so he feels fine admitting the last part.]
...when I remember all of that, I don't feel afraid.
[and that in itself is unsettling, is frightening. why would he not feel fear, in a war?]
[ . . . well. Baren hasn't talked to Nikkari at length about his own memories, hasn't mentioned the bloodied battlefields and the tumultuous time that he identified as the Sengoku era.]
... Do you really have time to feel afraid when a second could cost you everything?
[A soldier's way of thinking, even if Baren hates to admit that's what Nikkari might've been.]
Kind of. If it was keeping me alive, I'd be okay, but...how much battle does someone have to see until they don't feel anything? What does knowing this mean?
[was he simply under orders, not thinking for himself? was he even there at all?]
[ . . . . to not feel anything. Baren considers his own memories and pauses for just a second in his braiding of Nikkari's hair.]
... can't say what it means, but sometimes... battle is just a way of life. The way that things are, whether you like it or not. Sometimes it takes not feeling anything about it at all to survive before you lose your whole heart.
[The weakness is seen - acknowledged, and Baren doesn't have the words to tell Nikkari that everything is going to be alright. He lies often, but what's the point when the lie will be uncovered at any given moment? He shakes his head first, then reaches up to brush aside Nikkari's bangs so Baren can see both of his eyes. He leans in to press their foreheads together.]
You'll always be Nika - my Nika.
[The one that Baren met in the middle of a graffiti stunt, the one who sees only his curses and never his blessings, the one that turns a blind eye to every one of Baren's flaws and mistakes.]
They can't take that away.
You'll learn new shit, but who you are now isn't a lie. Believe that, at least.
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windows unlocked
[and he needs someone who will look him in the eyes and tell him he's being stupid.]
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[then there's no hesitation. of course baren is going to rush over immediately? he'll even take his tanuki for transportation so he doesn't have to deal with traffic. he makes it to nika's in record time, tanuki settled on his shoulder and slips in through the window with practiced ease]
Nika?
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That was fast.
[soft - he knows his aunt's awake, at work, but he can't bring himself to be loud. and most tellingly, his room is actually neat of his own accord.]
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he steps out of his shoes and goes to join nikkari on the bed because if nikkari is reaching for him, there's no way that baren could stay still.]
That shouldn't be a surprise.
[he'll match nika's tone, immediately wrap an arm around him and use the other to smooth out his hair.]
My Nika, my Nika...
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there's a time of just silence, when Nikkari remembers how to breathe, and then, he manages what's been so wrong.]
I keep having these dreams. They're so real that I wake up confused - like I have to make sure I'm awake.
[memories, he means, but he doesn't know if he wants to call them that.]
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dreams and memories, but he was hoping that nikkari wouldn't get anything awful. he's already got enough to deal with in his current life - they'd just finally managed to make progress in that - that to pile on more would just be cruel. but... right. retrospec tends to be cruel.
he'll encourage nika to lean against him, curl around him like he's keeping him safe from whatever else is out there in the world]
You're awake. You're alive.
[soft reminders. he'll say whatever he thinks nika needs to hear.]
Everyone's fine.
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I just knew...everyone was going to die. Or at least a lot of them. In the war.
[why hadn't he felt like he does now? what was the disconnect?]
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He lets his fingers run through Nikkari's hair, untangling it gently like it's any other day.]
... s'pretty shit to see, isn't it? [He relates, he understands.] You're not there anymore.
You'll be safe here.
[I'll keep you safe here.]
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...when I remember all of that, I don't feel afraid.
[and that in itself is unsettling, is frightening. why would he not feel fear, in a war?]
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... Do you really have time to feel afraid when a second could cost you everything?
[A soldier's way of thinking, even if Baren hates to admit that's what Nikkari might've been.]
Does it bother you, Nika?
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[was he simply under orders, not thinking for himself? was he even there at all?]
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... can't say what it means, but sometimes... battle is just a way of life. The way that things are, whether you like it or not. Sometimes it takes not feeling anything about it at all to survive before you lose your whole heart.
[Or at least.
That's what he thinks.]
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[he can see the logic in Baren's words, but he's also letting himself be weak. laying out the fears that had kept him awake at night.]
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You'll always be Nika - my Nika.
[The one that Baren met in the middle of a graffiti stunt, the one who sees only his curses and never his blessings, the one that turns a blind eye to every one of Baren's flaws and mistakes.]
They can't take that away.
You'll learn new shit, but who you are now isn't a lie. Believe that, at least.