[ . . . well. Baren hasn't talked to Nikkari at length about his own memories, hasn't mentioned the bloodied battlefields and the tumultuous time that he identified as the Sengoku era.]
... Do you really have time to feel afraid when a second could cost you everything?
[A soldier's way of thinking, even if Baren hates to admit that's what Nikkari might've been.]
Kind of. If it was keeping me alive, I'd be okay, but...how much battle does someone have to see until they don't feel anything? What does knowing this mean?
[was he simply under orders, not thinking for himself? was he even there at all?]
[ . . . . to not feel anything. Baren considers his own memories and pauses for just a second in his braiding of Nikkari's hair.]
... can't say what it means, but sometimes... battle is just a way of life. The way that things are, whether you like it or not. Sometimes it takes not feeling anything about it at all to survive before you lose your whole heart.
[The weakness is seen - acknowledged, and Baren doesn't have the words to tell Nikkari that everything is going to be alright. He lies often, but what's the point when the lie will be uncovered at any given moment? He shakes his head first, then reaches up to brush aside Nikkari's bangs so Baren can see both of his eyes. He leans in to press their foreheads together.]
You'll always be Nika - my Nika.
[The one that Baren met in the middle of a graffiti stunt, the one who sees only his curses and never his blessings, the one that turns a blind eye to every one of Baren's flaws and mistakes.]
They can't take that away.
You'll learn new shit, but who you are now isn't a lie. Believe that, at least.
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... Do you really have time to feel afraid when a second could cost you everything?
[A soldier's way of thinking, even if Baren hates to admit that's what Nikkari might've been.]
Does it bother you, Nika?
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[was he simply under orders, not thinking for himself? was he even there at all?]
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... can't say what it means, but sometimes... battle is just a way of life. The way that things are, whether you like it or not. Sometimes it takes not feeling anything about it at all to survive before you lose your whole heart.
[Or at least.
That's what he thinks.]
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[he can see the logic in Baren's words, but he's also letting himself be weak. laying out the fears that had kept him awake at night.]
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You'll always be Nika - my Nika.
[The one that Baren met in the middle of a graffiti stunt, the one who sees only his curses and never his blessings, the one that turns a blind eye to every one of Baren's flaws and mistakes.]
They can't take that away.
You'll learn new shit, but who you are now isn't a lie. Believe that, at least.