ic inbox.

[crudest]

Baren Kaiyou

i think the fuck not my guy 💩

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

Comments

1/2 ??? 1/3 ??

[stopbleeding]

[waiting for baren on their couch will be a gigantic, cute stuffed animal whale and a note that says: "steal the whale yourself asshole. merry christmas. still working on the sphinx."]

[crudest]

[well to be honest he wanted the sphinx more so that's fine

for now

so whenever Zoro himself actually gets back he'll find Baren pretty much entirely on top of the whale, flopped around as he's flipping through to try to find something good to watch on tv

but once he hears the door open, he'll just comment without even looking up]

You're a coward.

[stopbleeding]

[zoro throws his keys on wherever they throw their keys.]

And you can't make up your mind. You wanna see me in movies or you want me to become the great Gatsby for you?

[he'll just continue taking off his coat, totally oblivious to the fact that gatsby is not a famous pop culture thief.]

[crudest]

I'm not old money enough to be your Daisy and you're not money at all.

[they're just having two different conversations here]

[stopbleeding]

Are you saying I'm broke?

[HE'S INSULTED NOW]

[crudest]

Probably not enough to live on East or West Egg, no.

[buries his face in the whale]

[stopbleeding]

Who the hell would want to live on an egg?

[did the tv melt baren's brain... are the rumors from 90s suburbia true??]

You seem pretty okay with the whale.

[crudest]

I'll have you know that Montgomery is a great addition to the living space.

[that's the whale's name.

montgomery.]

But you still could've done better.

[stopbleeding]

[oh no.]

You could have done better than Montgomery. [sharp!! look!!!] You don't name a whale Montgomery.

[crudest]

[no

he covers up the whale's head where he assumes the ears would be on a whale]

Don't listen to him, Montgomery. He's a heathen with no taste or money.

[stopbleeding]

I just bought you your damn whale.

[HE'S NOT BROKE] If he's a whale then he's in the ocean. If he's in the ocean then he has to be a pirate. Montgomery isn't a pirate name.

[crudest]

Not every piece of seaweed is a fucking pirate, Z.

[nOT EVERYTHING IN THE OCEAN IS A PIRATE, Z!!!!]

Captain Montgomery can do whatever the fuck he wants. He's probably some renegade who worked for the navy or a trading company and decided to life a freer life. Don't hate him for his choices.

[stopbleeding]

A Montgomery like that is stuck to cabin duty. Or he's a traitor. No way he's a captain.

I'm not letting a whale-spy into this house, Baren.

[crudest]

How dare you speak to good ol' Monty that way.

[THE WORST.]

[stopbleeding]

He's been lying to you this whole time, Baren. Admit it. His name was never Montgomery.

[i will never get a laboon regain from this]

[crudest]

[probably not]

Not a chance in hell.

[stopbleeding]

Say his real name, Baren.

[he's stepping closer to the whale.]

Estefano Beluga.

[crudest]

For fuck's sake keep your lame movie names to yourself.

[DON'T CURSE THEIR WHALE LIKE THAT]

[stopbleeding]

Yeah. Because"Montgomery" isn't straight from the BBC.

[CROSSING HIS ARMS]

[crudest]

You think all posh names are from the BBC.

- actually fuck, a drag queen name would've been pretty good.

[if we're talking about baren's preferred programming]

[stopbleeding]

We're not naming another thing RuPaul.

[crudest]

That's because you're a tasteless behemoth.

[stopbleeding]

We've got eight RuPauls, Baren.

[crudest]

Yeah and you killed two of them.

[probably the roses from october]

[stopbleeding]

That means we still have six RuPauls.