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[crudest]

Baren Kaiyou

i think the fuck not my guy 💩

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

Comments

[crudest]

Probably not enough to live on East or West Egg, no.

[buries his face in the whale]

[stopbleeding]

Who the hell would want to live on an egg?

[did the tv melt baren's brain... are the rumors from 90s suburbia true??]

You seem pretty okay with the whale.

[crudest]

I'll have you know that Montgomery is a great addition to the living space.

[that's the whale's name.

montgomery.]

But you still could've done better.

[stopbleeding]

[oh no.]

You could have done better than Montgomery. [sharp!! look!!!] You don't name a whale Montgomery.

[crudest]

[no

he covers up the whale's head where he assumes the ears would be on a whale]

Don't listen to him, Montgomery. He's a heathen with no taste or money.

[stopbleeding]

I just bought you your damn whale.

[HE'S NOT BROKE] If he's a whale then he's in the ocean. If he's in the ocean then he has to be a pirate. Montgomery isn't a pirate name.

[crudest]

Not every piece of seaweed is a fucking pirate, Z.

[nOT EVERYTHING IN THE OCEAN IS A PIRATE, Z!!!!]

Captain Montgomery can do whatever the fuck he wants. He's probably some renegade who worked for the navy or a trading company and decided to life a freer life. Don't hate him for his choices.

[stopbleeding]

A Montgomery like that is stuck to cabin duty. Or he's a traitor. No way he's a captain.

I'm not letting a whale-spy into this house, Baren.

[crudest]

How dare you speak to good ol' Monty that way.

[THE WORST.]

[stopbleeding]

He's been lying to you this whole time, Baren. Admit it. His name was never Montgomery.

[i will never get a laboon regain from this]

[crudest]

[probably not]

Not a chance in hell.

[stopbleeding]

Say his real name, Baren.

[he's stepping closer to the whale.]

Estefano Beluga.

[crudest]

For fuck's sake keep your lame movie names to yourself.

[DON'T CURSE THEIR WHALE LIKE THAT]

[stopbleeding]

Yeah. Because"Montgomery" isn't straight from the BBC.

[CROSSING HIS ARMS]

[crudest]

You think all posh names are from the BBC.

- actually fuck, a drag queen name would've been pretty good.

[if we're talking about baren's preferred programming]

[stopbleeding]

We're not naming another thing RuPaul.

[crudest]

That's because you're a tasteless behemoth.

[stopbleeding]

We've got eight RuPauls, Baren.

[crudest]

Yeah and you killed two of them.

[probably the roses from october]

[stopbleeding]

That means we still have six RuPauls.

[crudest]

Not nearly enough.

[is he serious]

[stopbleeding]

One of my cars is named Rupaul. That's more than enough.

[crudest]

You could still use more RuPaul in your life.

[and back to the whale - ]

Monty needed a middle name. Montgomery RuPaul Beluga.

[stopbleeding]

You're keeping Beluga.

[he's... surprised. also kind of offended?? estefano was clearly the better name in his offering.]

[crudest]

Yeah, so stop bitching.

[and now he's gonna wrap his arms around this whale and flop on top of it and give up on watching tv]

Grab one of your explosion movie DVDs, there's nothing good on.