[A few months ago, Baren burned his hands. Even now he wears gloves and blames it on the cold weather to cover up the scars. Yet in this moment, as Sanji shares the memory with him, he remembers something a bit more recent - the way that Zoro had been the one to walk into the fire to recover something that Baren treasured, and then told him -
Zoro's his shield. He gets to do all the difficult, painful things that he doesn't want Baren to do.
Some things about people don't change.
Not unlike a lost dog, Baren starts looking around the hospital hallway for clues. Is there the sound of screaming to follow? A familiar nurse that can give him a hint? A place to go where he can be next to Zoro.
- he comes back to himself after not finding anything, looking back to Sanji instead. For someone as guarded as Baren, the look of open confusion, uncertainty, discomfort sits... oddly. As if he's confused by it himself.]
... I don't get pirates.
Self-sacrificing, stupid...
[He doesn't mean it - it's the worst lie he's told in some time - but he still feels like he has to say it.]
Sanji's stare suddenly turns to stone. He stops walking.
His memory ended over half an hour ago. No more pinpricks of a past life, no more of those intrusive feelings. Not unlike shedding dead weight, and he'd been fuckin thankful to be free of the shackles.
... And yet he still feels it in his chest, a grip over his heart that squeezes. Some long forgotten oath in pirate's blood. He's free to mock himself, his past life's choices, because self-sacrifice is little better than some cute fantasy to him.
For Zoro? It's different. He did what was necessary to save his (their) captain. Sanji would expect nothing less of the bastard
So he glowers at Baren, a little more pirate than he was moments before.]
[This is what he gets for putting himself in a situation where it's too obvious that he cares about Zoro.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place of his own making, Baren nearly lashes out. He's caught between two sides: the part of him that wants to stick by his own lie for the sake of being consistent in his facade and the part that wants to challenge Sanji automatically stemming from a place of possessiveness.
"Do you think that makes his stupidity any better?"
"That idiot's mine - you wanted to leave him behind, what gives you the right to tell me what he's like?"
He's not sure which one's about to come out of his mouth when he opens it to reply - but he's stopped in his tracks.
Instead it's apparently a memory free for all today, his gaze going somewhere else and his posture going rigid. He's gone for a minute, but when he comes back to the present, it's a mad scramble. It's a crash of emotion as he's looking around immediately, as if trying to find someone. The look on his face is unguarded, haunted, and he seems to have mentally dropped everything about where he used to be, instead fixated on someone who's not there.]
[Sanji can see some of the frustration bubbling underneath Baren's expression and -- God, please, give him a fight. Something to snarl at. A bridge to burn. A bastard's smirk nearly lights up his face, and why not? Sanji's old hat at spitting in the face of people who piss him off, and if Baren's got a bug up his ass over this, all the better--
And then Baren is just. Gone. Still physically present, yes, but as Sanji watches the light in his eyes abruptly turn to phantoms, Sanji is left standing there with his posture rigid, adrenaline seeking an outlet -- and absolutely finding one when it's immediately funneled into concern.]
Oh don't you start with me too--! [The urge to shake Baren free of the memory builds like a pressure cooker in his chest, but fear of complicating the situation stays his hand. All he can do is prowl like a caged feline, keeping everyone at bay with a glare that could melt glass. Baren, you goddamn fuck, do not do this to him.]
... She's not here. [And then at last, that-- just... that. The heat cools from his voice. A hand goes to card through his hair. Looking at Baren's naked fear tightens his stomach, so he forces his stare to the ground]
[Aaaaaand once he snaps back out of it, he realizes that was entirely too much to share.
It settles uncomfortably as the mask slips back into place, the distress melting right off and replaced with confusion, a quieter uncertainty. He and Sanji don't share that much with each other. They never have and that worked for them, for however long. It's why they worked well—
Retrospec likes to fuck up even simple things like that too.
There's only one person in Baren's life that means that much to him - and even with all his privacy and refusal to talk about family, he can rarely go a few days without mentioning his twin sister in passing, though never by name. If Sanji remembers that, Sanji can put the pieces together. Baren sorely hopes he's forgotten.
When he's urged to relax, to find calm - he sees an opportunity where most people would likely find reassurance.]
- I'll relax if you promise me something.
[Too quick and not unlike a snake.
"Maybe you shouldn't take advantage of raw moments like this," a small voice cautions Baren in the very back of his head. After this one, he thinks, after this one he'll behave maybe.]
[The problem is they're too similar. Baren's memory is ironclad. So is Sanji's. He put the pieces together the moment he saw that reaction.
But it's not his right to pry, or dig, or do anything more than keep Baren grounded long enough to remember what's real. And even that is a passing acknowledgement quickly killed and buried. He pushes the responsibility off on Zoro, instead, pretends it's a favor to a man he doesn't like -- someone's gotta take care of him, eh? Someone besides his cousin.
When he looks up from the floor, watches Baren watching him, it's not unlike a cornered animal.]
... What.
[Not a promise. Just a willingness to listen. That's more than he offers anyone.]
[A way out immediately - because it's still not in Baren's nature to force people into doing things that they don't want to. It sits poorly with him. It goes against his way of life.
... but so does telling the truth. He taps his foot, feels the urge to light a cigarette, but instead tilts his head as he faces Sanji openly.]
This memory bullshit - I want to know more about it. Not yours especially, unless you want to know more, but I think this shit might mean something to me. To some people.
[It's opening up the door just a bit, talking about only what he wants to talk about.]
... so if we're gonna keep talking about it - what you see, what Z sees, if it does mean anything - I need you to promise no lies. I don't care if you keep secrets, but your word always has to mean something to me.
[Listen to Baren talk, Sanji folds his arms, chin held aloft while his face tries to fall back on old habits and hide itself behind a scowl. Not to say he doesn't manage it - he looks as foul tempered as always - but it's not enough to hide the assessing sharpness of his stare, either.
It doesn't take him long to form an answer]
I can't stand liars. [There's an irony in that, perhaps. Regardless, his voice is ironclad.] But I don't do promises unless I get the same in return.
[The pirate, the one who'd stick his neck out blindly for others, who'd make promises with no benefit towards himself -- that bastard's gone, hidden back in memories. All that's left is a Sanji who demands payment in oath.
Baren wants trust? Then he better give it in equal measure.]
[Baren's most sincere honesty is in the way that he takes a second to think about it.
He lies, he lies often, and he mostly lies for fun. Anything that he doesn't want to talk about gets shut down before an extravagant story could be told, too many wounds to stumble over to be worth a laugh.
They're too alike that way - and maybe it's because of that odd tie to the pirate life that Baren thought he'd get a promise without any demands in return. He'd seen it coming with Kyouko for the most part, but now he thinks about it. If it's a mirrored promise, could it simply be "no lies unless it's dire" or conversely "lies are okay unless it's serious"? But that brings in too many additional factors, definitions, and subjective situations. There's no solid way to turn it in his favor when he and Sanji think too similarly.
So he just runs a hand through his hair, the bell decorations chiming softly.]
[Another glance sent in Baren's direction, but it is less calculated now. Almost casual. The closest expression he wears after being properly appeased. His posture relaxes.]
[Because he has to deliver on his end.... and then he seems thoughtful about it. The look of confusion and desperation is gone, leaving only the trail end of thoughtfulness. His emotions have been clamped down again forcibly.]
... Yeah. Better.
[is he not going to talk about his memory after all that]
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no subject
Zoro's his shield. He gets to do all the difficult, painful things that he doesn't want Baren to do.
Some things about people don't change.
Not unlike a lost dog, Baren starts looking around the hospital hallway for clues. Is there the sound of screaming to follow? A familiar nurse that can give him a hint? A place to go where he can be next to Zoro.
- he comes back to himself after not finding anything, looking back to Sanji instead. For someone as guarded as Baren, the look of open confusion, uncertainty, discomfort sits... oddly. As if he's confused by it himself.]
... I don't get pirates.
Self-sacrificing, stupid...
[He doesn't mean it - it's the worst lie he's told in some time - but he still feels like he has to say it.]
no subject
Sanji's stare suddenly turns to stone. He stops walking.
His memory ended over half an hour ago. No more pinpricks of a past life, no more of those intrusive feelings. Not unlike shedding dead weight, and he'd been fuckin thankful to be free of the shackles.
... And yet he still feels it in his chest, a grip over his heart that squeezes. Some long forgotten oath in pirate's blood. He's free to mock himself, his past life's choices, because self-sacrifice is little better than some cute fantasy to him.
For Zoro? It's different. He did what was necessary to save his (their) captain. Sanji would expect nothing less of the bastard
So he glowers at Baren, a little more pirate than he was moments before.]
He had shit worth protecting.
So he did.
no subject
Stuck between a rock and a hard place of his own making, Baren nearly lashes out. He's caught between two sides: the part of him that wants to stick by his own lie for the sake of being consistent in his facade and the part that wants to challenge Sanji automatically stemming from a place of possessiveness.
"Do you think that makes his stupidity any better?"
"That idiot's mine - you wanted to leave him behind, what gives you the right to tell me what he's like?"
He's not sure which one's about to come out of his mouth when he opens it to reply - but he's stopped in his tracks.
Instead it's apparently a memory free for all today, his gaze going somewhere else and his posture going rigid. He's gone for a minute, but when he comes back to the present, it's a mad scramble. It's a crash of emotion as he's looking around immediately, as if trying to find someone. The look on his face is unguarded, haunted, and he seems to have mentally dropped everything about where he used to be, instead fixated on someone who's not there.]
Okuni? Where is she—
no subject
And then Baren is just. Gone. Still physically present, yes, but as Sanji watches the light in his eyes abruptly turn to phantoms, Sanji is left standing there with his posture rigid, adrenaline seeking an outlet -- and absolutely finding one when it's immediately funneled into concern.]
Oh don't you start with me too--! [The urge to shake Baren free of the memory builds like a pressure cooker in his chest, but fear of complicating the situation stays his hand. All he can do is prowl like a caged feline, keeping everyone at bay with a glare that could melt glass. Baren, you goddamn fuck, do not do this to him.]
... She's not here. [And then at last, that-- just... that. The heat cools from his voice. A hand goes to card through his hair. Looking at Baren's naked fear tightens his stomach, so he forces his stare to the ground]
Oi, relax. It's-- relax, alright?
no subject
It settles uncomfortably as the mask slips back into place, the distress melting right off and replaced with confusion, a quieter uncertainty. He and Sanji don't share that much with each other. They never have and that worked for them, for however long. It's why they worked well—
Retrospec likes to fuck up even simple things like that too.
There's only one person in Baren's life that means that much to him - and even with all his privacy and refusal to talk about family, he can rarely go a few days without mentioning his twin sister in passing, though never by name. If Sanji remembers that, Sanji can put the pieces together. Baren sorely hopes he's forgotten.
When he's urged to relax, to find calm - he sees an opportunity where most people would likely find reassurance.]
- I'll relax if you promise me something.
[Too quick and not unlike a snake.
"Maybe you shouldn't take advantage of raw moments like this," a small voice cautions Baren in the very back of his head. After this one, he thinks, after this one he'll behave maybe.]
no subject
But it's not his right to pry, or dig, or do anything more than keep Baren grounded long enough to remember what's real. And even that is a passing acknowledgement quickly killed and buried. He pushes the responsibility off on Zoro, instead, pretends it's a favor to a man he doesn't like -- someone's gotta take care of him, eh? Someone besides his cousin.
When he looks up from the floor, watches Baren watching him, it's not unlike a cornered animal.]
... What.
[Not a promise. Just a willingness to listen. That's more than he offers anyone.]
no subject
Say no if you need to.
[A way out immediately - because it's still not in Baren's nature to force people into doing things that they don't want to. It sits poorly with him. It goes against his way of life.
... but so does telling the truth. He taps his foot, feels the urge to light a cigarette, but instead tilts his head as he faces Sanji openly.]
This memory bullshit - I want to know more about it. Not yours especially, unless you want to know more, but I think this shit might mean something to me. To some people.
[It's opening up the door just a bit, talking about only what he wants to talk about.]
... so if we're gonna keep talking about it - what you see, what Z sees, if it does mean anything - I need you to promise no lies. I don't care if you keep secrets, but your word always has to mean something to me.
[The bare minimum for Baren's trust apparently.]
no subject
It doesn't take him long to form an answer]
I can't stand liars. [There's an irony in that, perhaps. Regardless, his voice is ironclad.] But I don't do promises unless I get the same in return.
[The pirate, the one who'd stick his neck out blindly for others, who'd make promises with no benefit towards himself -- that bastard's gone, hidden back in memories. All that's left is a Sanji who demands payment in oath.
Baren wants trust? Then he better give it in equal measure.]
no subject
He lies, he lies often, and he mostly lies for fun. Anything that he doesn't want to talk about gets shut down before an extravagant story could be told, too many wounds to stumble over to be worth a laugh.
They're too alike that way - and maybe it's because of that odd tie to the pirate life that Baren thought he'd get a promise without any demands in return. He'd seen it coming with Kyouko for the most part, but now he thinks about it. If it's a mirrored promise, could it simply be "no lies unless it's dire" or conversely "lies are okay unless it's serious"? But that brings in too many additional factors, definitions, and subjective situations. There's no solid way to turn it in his favor when he and Sanji think too similarly.
So he just runs a hand through his hair, the bell decorations chiming softly.]
... mm, alright.
No lies. Only the truth, even if it's shit.
You swear?
no subject
[Another glance sent in Baren's direction, but it is less calculated now. Almost casual. The closest expression he wears after being properly appeased. His posture relaxes.]
Better?
no subject
[Because he has to deliver on his end.... and then he seems thoughtful about it. The look of confusion and desperation is gone, leaving only the trail end of thoughtfulness. His emotions have been clamped down again forcibly.]
... Yeah. Better.
[is he not going to talk about his memory after all that]
no subject
Sanji's just not one to press.
He turns on his heel, pausing long enough to send the other a beckoning glance.]
Oi, c'mon, I'll show you to his room.