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[crudest]

Baren Kaiyou

i think the fuck not my guy 💩

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

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[stopbleeding]

that even a question? think i may drive better.
i'll meet you there. near the docks now anyway.

[AND TA-DA TIMESKIP, HERE THEY ARE. zoro's already got the keys to a boat rental and is tossing them as he leans against the little fishing boat he got. he doesn't even wait for baren to get on before starting it up; a glimpse is all he needs.]

You bring anything to throw in the water?

[nothing says anger management like throwing trash into the ocean]

[crudest]

Besides you? Nah.

[also that's disgusting and terrible for the ocean.

baren hops in as soon as he can, not much hesitation there. he's got whiskey in a grocery bag and settles in to take a seat not too far from zoro, shrugging]

If you still wanna later, we extend the rental and go find shit to throw.

[stopbleeding]

We'll see.

[after they're all set to go zoro just. guns it. oddly, his steering isn't as precise as it usually would be, despite his stone-faced expression. it's only once they're fairly far out that he slows down and slumps down next to baren.]

He didn't want anything to do with it. Should've figured. [grabby hand for that whiskey. hand it over.]

[crudest]

[yeah he had a feeling you would fuckin want that.

it's why baren hands it over easily and sighs for a moment, just to fill up the space. it's annoying to think that he'd been looking and looking, only to miss what he was looking for entirely.]

... didn't know it was him you were looking for.

He's always been a pain in the ass.

[stopbleeding]

[zoro just.

pauses.]

... Why the hell are you acting like you know him?

[crudest]

Well do you remember the chain smoker I used to date where I'm not sure if I broke up with him or he broke up with me.

[that should answer that.]

[stopbleeding]

[zoro thinks for a long, hard minute which is entirely too long for this question.]

... No.

[crudest]

Well then that's twice that you didn't remember the same guy.

[pass the whiskey]

[stopbleeding]

[no. because it takes another good minute for that to hit and when it does he is purposefully holding the booze out of baren's reach.]

... You dated him.

[crudest]

[THE WHISKEY!!!]

Are you fucking serious, Z.

[plenty of things are his fault thIS IS NOT ONE OF THEM]

[stopbleeding]

[YES IT IS]

This is my whiskey now.

[HE SURE IS. KIDNAPPING THAT BOOZE AND BRINGING IT THE FULL 3 FEET TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DECK.]

[crudest]

[you know how baren uses zoro as a fucking jungle gym

that's happening again]

I've said it a million fucking times - if you want your own bottle, you tell me before!

Stupid!

[stopbleeding]

Then you tell me before you sleep with one of my crew!

[how is this a logical progression of their conversation? it's not.]

Why him anyway?! He makes me want to puke!

[crudest]

[baren is probably halfway wrapped around zoro but

that comment doesn't stop him from throwing an arm around zoro's neck to half put him in a sleeper hold]

Stop critiquing who ends up in my bed, it's fucking weird!!

[stopbleeding]

[HE!! IS!! FIGHTING HIS WAY OUT OF THIS!!]

Shut up! It's weird having you sleep with frien–

[fuck. zoro nearly draws blood from how hard he bites down on his tongue.]

... Shit. [kicking baren off of him now. he grabs the booze and rolls back to standing, keeping his back to baren while he chugs.]

[crudest]

[He'll let himself get kicked off, landing on his feet anyway as he stares Zoro down and sighs. Right. The F word.... That's a pretty rare thing for him to use, right? Which makes... not a lot of sense, considering all the people that Zoro surrounds himself with, but whatever.]

You know there's nothing I can do if kidney failure comes for your ass, right.

It was two years ago. Let it go.

[stopbleeding]

I'm immortal. Who cares?

[let him pout, baren. pout and chug.]

Why the hell did it have to be him?

[it's not really a question baren has to answer. it's not really a question he wants to know the answer to. he just. needs to say it.]

[crudest]

You're not actually immortal, we've gone over this. And suffocating on your own puke sounds like a really lame way to go.

[JUST SAYING!!

But regardless he rolls his eyes.]

Which one - why him that I dated or why him that we found first?

[stopbleeding]

Found him.

[he'll finally put the booze down and go back to slumping on the nearest seat.]

Could have been any of them.

[crudest]

[aaaaand there's the moping

baren shakes his head at that and goes to sit down next to zoro, huffing even as he uses his shoulder to bump into him]

If Sanj is your starting point, it can really only go up from here, you know? Don't get mopey, stupid.

[stopbleeding]

"Sanj"?

[a flat look before he decides he doesn't care and waves it off. rests his arms over the back of the seat and tips his head back.]

You really think the rest are here?

[crudest]

[Everyone gets a nickname. Still though, Baren shrugs at that and just as confidently as ever - ]

'course I do.

And just because the first one you met is your least favorite doesn't mean I'm wrong.

[stopbleeding]

Guess you're right.

[it's the first time he's ever agreed. it feels nice. like there's still some hope after all. one good thing that french prick gave him, at least.

zoro smiles despite himself.

at least until he turns his attention back to baren.]

So... who else did you sleep with? Any of them named Luffy?

[obviously baren is the common thread here.]

[crudest]

Isn't that your rubber man who eats too much? I don't know if I have a type but I know what I don't like.

[probably???? he never thought that sanji would be the curly-browed guy that zoro was looking for]

.... maybe Nami goes by a different name. Or Robin? I like ladies more than men most of the time.

If I were to give you a list of everyone I've slept with, we'd need more than a bottle of whiskey.

[stopbleeding]

We need more anyway.

[is zoro serious]