[The second that Chuuya says "Dazai", Baren is careful to keep his pokerface in place. There's been too many times with them where Baren has managed to fill in the place of this Dazai to trigger Chuuya's memories but -
Why is it that the one time he wants to be like Dazai - to be able to stop Chuuya from hurting himself - he doesn't know if he can?
Baren finishes his food, focuses on Chuuya and watches his expression even as he makes it a point to keep his own so carefully neutral. "I'd have been dead" is what Chuuya says - he's not dead yet. He's not on his way there. He's not like Kashuu, who was already too far for Baren to have done anything.
[he shakes his head vehemently, there, almost too much so.]
It's my own power that did it. I let something loose, I- made it a lot stronger, I guess, because fuck, I've never felt anything like that. But- he's a nullifier.
[a short pause, as he chews at his lower lip before continuing.]
That's what I was trusting him with. Stopping me. He said if his support was too late, I'd die-- I don't know if I'm even aware of it, I just remember blacking out and waking back up when he touched me.
[At some point, Baren stood - because he can see the way that it's getting to Chuuya. There's supposed to be distance between them, there's always supposed to be distance, that's what he's worked on for three years, but. He leans down so he's closer to them, reaching out to put his fingers beneath Chuuya's chin and lift it up so that their eyes lock.]
[it's hard to believe, even with the degree that he trusts baren already-- it's just that he doesn't think there is anything baren can do to fix it. he hasn't seen anyone mention a power like dazai's, there's no one to tell him to look for, nothing that could be done except--]
Just- make it stop. If it happens, make it stop.
[he leaves the how of it vague, fully intentionally.]
I don't think I have to worry about it yet, and... I had to activate it myself, anyway. But I don't know if I can count on that.
Right. Baren thinks about that - lets it rattle around in his head as he tries to process that information. What way could he stop some kind of wild destructive power that Chuuya has to activate? There's no method for sealing, for nullifying, for suddenly taking these powers away as far as he knows.
Except now he has to look into it, there's no other option. Because if it means that then Chuuya will die then—]
Trusting Baren so desperately, so certainly - that's such a mistake. Yet as Chuuya holds onto his hand, Baren can't bring himself to let go and leave. Not yet.
A breath out.]
..... Yeah.
Yeah, I know you do.
[and he wishes he didn't appreciate it so much when he knows he'll break it all over again]
[Chuuya manages a half-smile, there, and slowly lets go of Baren's hand.]
Look, if- you need to go, it's fine.
[he doesn't want him to, he doesn't want to be alone, but... that promise is enough that he can let Baren go, for now. he's beginning to trust him to show back up again, recently, as dangerous as that is-- but even if he disappears again, Chuuya is still going to trust him to be there when he has to be.
There's a brief inhale and he lets go when Chuuya releases his hand but - he falters. That's a bad sign. That's what makes him feel like they're getting too close, too comfortable again.
So he just gives Chuuya a hesitant glance.]
Alright.
... but you know you can't get used to it, Chuu - me being here - like this.
[He trusts that Chuuya understands what he means.
Staying until morning, sharing a bed, making breakfast - it's all too dangerously close.
But with that Baren will get up, head over to Chuuya's room to collect his clothes, and probably leave out the window just to leave the conversation at that.
As badly as he craves another person's understanding and company, he still doesn't dare to inflict himself on Chuuya yet again.]
[he knows. he knows. it's becoming clearer and clearer to him that the feelings he thought he'd gotten over were in fact just shoved under the rug, and baren's presence has slowly been dragging them back out into the light.
it scares him, honestly. that they're falling back into this so easily, that his own heart's betraying him-- but most of all it scares him that the very thing that makes him want to keep baren close would probably drive him away for good if he knew. now that he has him back, even if only in part...
he's scared of losing it again.
but if you love something, let it go, right?
so he does. he doesn't move again even after he's heard the window close, just dropping his face onto the table with a soft huff and asking an empty apartment-]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[he doesn't quite look at baren, eyes still averted for now. it's still difficult, but- best to just get the worst of it out.]
You know how I remembered being in pretty bad shape, when I was working with Dazai? I know what did that. I did that.
[chuuya pauses, sucks in another breath, exhales slowly.]
If he didn't stop me, I'd have been dead.
[he'll fill in details in a minute. right now, this is what matters.]
no subject
Why is it that the one time he wants to be like Dazai - to be able to stop Chuuya from hurting himself - he doesn't know if he can?
Baren finishes his food, focuses on Chuuya and watches his expression even as he makes it a point to keep his own so carefully neutral. "I'd have been dead" is what Chuuya says - he's not dead yet. He's not on his way there. He's not like Kashuu, who was already too far for Baren to have done anything.
Still, he gives Chuuya the same promise:]
... I'll fix it. Whatever it is.
no subject
[he shakes his head vehemently, there, almost too much so.]
It's my own power that did it. I let something loose, I- made it a lot stronger, I guess, because fuck, I've never felt anything like that. But- he's a nullifier.
[a short pause, as he chews at his lower lip before continuing.]
That's what I was trusting him with. Stopping me. He said if his support was too late, I'd die-- I don't know if I'm even aware of it, I just remember blacking out and waking back up when he touched me.
Next to a goddamn crater in the ground.
no subject
[At some point, Baren stood - because he can see the way that it's getting to Chuuya. There's supposed to be distance between them, there's always supposed to be distance, that's what he's worked on for three years, but. He leans down so he's closer to them, reaching out to put his fingers beneath Chuuya's chin and lift it up so that their eyes lock.]
I'll fix it.
Whatever you need me to do - I'll fix it.
no subject
Just- make it stop. If it happens, make it stop.
[he leaves the how of it vague, fully intentionally.]
I don't think I have to worry about it yet, and... I had to activate it myself, anyway. But I don't know if I can count on that.
no subject
Right. Baren thinks about that - lets it rattle around in his head as he tries to process that information. What way could he stop some kind of wild destructive power that Chuuya has to activate? There's no method for sealing, for nullifying, for suddenly taking these powers away as far as he knows.
Except now he has to look into it, there's no other option. Because if it means that then Chuuya will die then—]
Yeah.
... Yeah, Chuu. I'll figure it out.
[He has to.]
We'll figure it out.
no subject
[he's still uncertain, but if baren says he'll figure it out-
hell, maybe he will. if anyone could pull off something crazy, chuuya thinks it's probably baren.
so he reaches up to take one of baren's hands in his, giving it a little squeeze; he doesn't let go, though, still clinging to it like an anchor.]
I trust you.
no subject
Trusting Baren so desperately, so certainly - that's such a mistake. Yet as Chuuya holds onto his hand, Baren can't bring himself to let go and leave. Not yet.
A breath out.]
..... Yeah.
Yeah, I know you do.
[and he wishes he didn't appreciate it so much when he knows he'll break it all over again]
no subject
[Chuuya manages a half-smile, there, and slowly lets go of Baren's hand.]
Look, if- you need to go, it's fine.
[he doesn't want him to, he doesn't want to be alone, but... that promise is enough that he can let Baren go, for now. he's beginning to trust him to show back up again, recently, as dangerous as that is-- but even if he disappears again, Chuuya is still going to trust him to be there when he has to be.
it's real fucking unfortunate, isn't it.]
no subject
Everyone has been giving him so many outs.
There's a brief inhale and he lets go when Chuuya releases his hand but - he falters. That's a bad sign. That's what makes him feel like they're getting too close, too comfortable again.
So he just gives Chuuya a hesitant glance.]
Alright.
... but you know you can't get used to it, Chuu - me being here - like this.
[He trusts that Chuuya understands what he means.
Staying until morning, sharing a bed, making breakfast - it's all too dangerously close.
But with that Baren will get up, head over to Chuuya's room to collect his clothes, and probably leave out the window just to leave the conversation at that.
As badly as he craves another person's understanding and company, he still doesn't dare to inflict himself on Chuuya yet again.]
no subject
[he knows. he knows. it's becoming clearer and clearer to him that the feelings he thought he'd gotten over were in fact just shoved under the rug, and baren's presence has slowly been dragging them back out into the light.
it scares him, honestly. that they're falling back into this so easily, that his own heart's betraying him-- but most of all it scares him that the very thing that makes him want to keep baren close would probably drive him away for good if he knew. now that he has him back, even if only in part...
he's scared of losing it again.
but if you love something, let it go, right?
so he does. he doesn't move again even after he's heard the window close, just dropping his face onto the table with a soft huff and asking an empty apartment-]
What the fuck are we doing, huh?