[It's immediate, really. A staple in Baren's language, right next to "Don't tell me what to do" and "It's none of your business". Promises are hard to keep. Considering how much he lies, he knows that his word doesn't mean much but -
Promises. Swears. Those are different.
Still, he lets Chuuya brush his hand away, ends up catching Chuuya's automatically.]
C'mon, Baren, this is kind of a big promise here. You can say you'll tell me one damn thing.
[he sighs, gives his head a little shake, and lightly squeezes baren's hand before he lets go and burrows back into the blankets. he knows how baren is; it's a pain in the ass, but beyond that rebuke he lets it go in favor of getting comfortable and moving on.]
Everything is unbalanced. He'd rather receive promises than give them, cash in on debts rather than admit he owes them. Typically he can find his way out of most even trades so that he perpetually has the upper hand, even if it means being difficult.
He's been difficult to Chuuya for three years.
Hence the brief - ]
... we can.
[But will they?
Regardless he settles down against the bed too - he doesn't know if he'll bother going to bed tonight, he might leave in a half hour for a walk and see if he can catch another night owl somewhere before sun breaks. Some part of him feels too antsy. Even if another part of him is at home enough to relax in Chuuya's apartment for a bit more, just a little bit more.]
[chuuya knows he'll be leaving before morning. he always does. but it never stops him from getting comfortable, and he always ends up curling against baren not long after falling asleep, just out of habits that somehow haven't died.
and normally, he sleeps soundly enough that he never knows when exactly baren left.
tonight, though, he shifts uncomfortably in his sleep, constantly restless, as though something's bothering him in his dreams. it starts off mild, but it slowly grows worse and refuses to be soothed until finally chuuya wakes with a start, eyes wide.
he reflexively grabs for baren's arm without even knowing why, only that he just needs the contact. it'll be a moment before he fully wakes up; for the moment, he clings and just- tries to breathe. whatever happened, it wasn't real. it's fine.
except now that he's beginning to wake, he remembers things with more clarity, and it seems like it might be more real than he wants to think.]
[Despite himself, Baren still hasn't left. It's slow, like watching a sunset, how gradually Chuuya comes to curl against him and he settles on letting him - just for now. When he starts to shift, Baren can recognize the edges of a nightmare - his fingers start to run through Chuuya's hair automatically in a soothing, repetitive motion that he knows Chuuya likes—
Except there it is, not quite enough.
When his arm is grabbed, Baren pauses and searches. The worry might not quite be evident on his face, but it's in his eyes as they search Chuuya's, as his arms automatically come to encircle the other if only because he's been there before.
He's been there, waking up in an empty bed and feeling more alone than anything and what he knows is he doesn't want that for Chuuya.]
Breathe.
Just breathe, you're awake. S'fine.
["It was just a dream" is what he wants to say but if it's anything like his....
[still a little breathless, distracted, with all of it hitting at once-- he knows now what it is he'd trusted his partner with. what he'd done.
if my support comes too late, you'll die. but he doesn't have that same support here, nobody with his ability, nobody who could make it stop after that power creeps in and takes over his body.
he doesn't know what exactly he did. he just knows that he remembers waking up next to a crater that wasn't there before, feeling like death. he knows if it ever happened again--
chuuya shakes his head and buries his face against baren.]
I can't- I don't want to talk about it right now. Just...
I know you don't have to promise me anything, but don't leave.
Again, again, again Baren thinks that he's the worst person suited for this but he somehow found himself at a place and time where he's the only option. Chuuya buries his face against him and there's a stutter of his heartbeat because "don't leave" is a request that he doesn't know how to answer.
In the end, he'll always have to leave Chuuya - even if it's not immediate. But if he doesn't agree, if he gives in to this urge to run just so that Chuuya learns that you can't trust a snake...
Something twists uncomfortably in his ribcage, even as he lets his arm fall around Chuuya's waist and his fingers run through his hair.]
.... Mm. Sleep, Chuu. If you don't want to talk, sleep it off.
[For now, he makes no plans to move from where he is.]
[that's enough for him, at least for now. chuuya nods, settling back in (if still a little uneasily), and while it takes a little longer than usual for his breathing to slow-- he does manage to sleep.
it's still a little fitful, though, even if he doesn't wake again. he shifts more than normal, and once or twice it seems like he might be waking, but he's always pulled back under before his eyes can open.
and for once, he sleeps lightly enough that he actually stirs whenever baren finally moves. chuuya shifts, yawns, blinks blearily up at him, and-
notices the light filtering through the window, faint as it may be.
[Baren's movements over the course of the night are small - he reaches over to grab the nearest book available for him to read to pass the time. Even if he wanted to go, Chuuya's fitful sleep makes it impossible for him to find the opening.
(No, he could still go. Somehow, he would've made it work but - he stays, for reasons he doesn't care to think too deeply about.)
So his hours were spent with one hand carding through Chuuya's hair, watching him carefully when he appeared to grow restless again, and then sighing faintly when he calmed. The times not spent looking after here were reading and it doesn't take long for Baren to realize what he's picked up is a book of Chuuya's own writing but - it's not even like it's the first time he's read it.
Maybe that's why by the time dawn breaks he feels like this is entering that too familiar, dangerous territory. How many mornings did they spend like this before? There's the urge to get up around 6 when the sun's up and start his day, even though he hasn't gotten much sleep at all but. It's been long enough that he was hoping Chuuya would've fallen into a deeper sleep but.
Apparently not.
He places the book back on the nightstand and brushes aside Chuuya's bangs with his freed hand.]
I'm so starved I'm gonna eat enough for two, sorry about it.
[Not that sorry. Also maybe fucking with him a little.]
[chuuya grumbles and swats lazily at baren's hand, wrapping the blankets around himself again.]
Just let me know when you're finished.
[.... and yeah, that doesn't last long. it's maybe ten minutes after baren's left that chuuya drags himself into the kitchen with a smaller blanket draped around him; he takes a seat then and just watches baren cook, head pillowed on his folded arms.
he just didn't want to be alone. that leads to thinking about it.]
[There was a faint "fuck you" before Baren untangled himself from Chuuya and the bedsheets. It was again too familiar for him to grab his boxers and then dig through Chuuya's drawers to find the largest pair of sweats he had so that they didn't cut off too short on Baren's legs. Navigating Chuuya's kitchen way too early in the morning to make breakfast brought up those same ghosts.
If he ignored them, they would go away, right.
It's when Chuuya comes outside that the reminiscing is broken and Baren glances over to see him, snorts faintly when he takes a seat and otherwise doesn't say anything.
Though as he waits for the eggs to fry and the rice to be done, he'll grab a glass to fill it with water and then some painkillers. When he passes by Chuuya at the table, both items get set down in front of him as Baren lets his fingers run through his hair as he walks past.]
[chuuya rolls his eyes, but he does at least take the painkillers, and a minute later finally drags himself into motion to get the table set.
he's too easy, he's pretty sure, but if baren is cooking then he'll accept being told to help.
once it's all ready, he falls quiet again for some time as they eat, focused on his plate as he considers whether he really wants to talk about it at all-- but he's told baren everything else, and much as he wants to pretend this new memory doesn't exist... it'll eat at him if he doesn't say something.
besides, after their talk last night, there's something he needs to ask baren to do for him, too. so after he's mostly finished, chuuya says completely out of the blue-]
What you asked me to do for you last night-- I need to ask you the same thing, alright? Make it mutual.
[The silence is accepted. It's calm enough that it lets Baren's own thoughts wander. There's a few minutes where he disappears just to grab his phone and text Okuni that he's okay, but then he's back before he thinks Chuuya would get antsy being alone.
Though at the request, Baren's eye flicks up to catch Chuuya's expression and - ]
.... I didn't exactly make it easy on you last night, Chuu.
[The second that Chuuya says "Dazai", Baren is careful to keep his pokerface in place. There's been too many times with them where Baren has managed to fill in the place of this Dazai to trigger Chuuya's memories but -
Why is it that the one time he wants to be like Dazai - to be able to stop Chuuya from hurting himself - he doesn't know if he can?
Baren finishes his food, focuses on Chuuya and watches his expression even as he makes it a point to keep his own so carefully neutral. "I'd have been dead" is what Chuuya says - he's not dead yet. He's not on his way there. He's not like Kashuu, who was already too far for Baren to have done anything.
[he shakes his head vehemently, there, almost too much so.]
It's my own power that did it. I let something loose, I- made it a lot stronger, I guess, because fuck, I've never felt anything like that. But- he's a nullifier.
[a short pause, as he chews at his lower lip before continuing.]
That's what I was trusting him with. Stopping me. He said if his support was too late, I'd die-- I don't know if I'm even aware of it, I just remember blacking out and waking back up when he touched me.
[At some point, Baren stood - because he can see the way that it's getting to Chuuya. There's supposed to be distance between them, there's always supposed to be distance, that's what he's worked on for three years, but. He leans down so he's closer to them, reaching out to put his fingers beneath Chuuya's chin and lift it up so that their eyes lock.]
[it's hard to believe, even with the degree that he trusts baren already-- it's just that he doesn't think there is anything baren can do to fix it. he hasn't seen anyone mention a power like dazai's, there's no one to tell him to look for, nothing that could be done except--]
Just- make it stop. If it happens, make it stop.
[he leaves the how of it vague, fully intentionally.]
I don't think I have to worry about it yet, and... I had to activate it myself, anyway. But I don't know if I can count on that.
Right. Baren thinks about that - lets it rattle around in his head as he tries to process that information. What way could he stop some kind of wild destructive power that Chuuya has to activate? There's no method for sealing, for nullifying, for suddenly taking these powers away as far as he knows.
Except now he has to look into it, there's no other option. Because if it means that then Chuuya will die then—]
Trusting Baren so desperately, so certainly - that's such a mistake. Yet as Chuuya holds onto his hand, Baren can't bring himself to let go and leave. Not yet.
A breath out.]
..... Yeah.
Yeah, I know you do.
[and he wishes he didn't appreciate it so much when he knows he'll break it all over again]
[Chuuya manages a half-smile, there, and slowly lets go of Baren's hand.]
Look, if- you need to go, it's fine.
[he doesn't want him to, he doesn't want to be alone, but... that promise is enough that he can let Baren go, for now. he's beginning to trust him to show back up again, recently, as dangerous as that is-- but even if he disappears again, Chuuya is still going to trust him to be there when he has to be.
There's a brief inhale and he lets go when Chuuya releases his hand but - he falters. That's a bad sign. That's what makes him feel like they're getting too close, too comfortable again.
So he just gives Chuuya a hesitant glance.]
Alright.
... but you know you can't get used to it, Chuu - me being here - like this.
[He trusts that Chuuya understands what he means.
Staying until morning, sharing a bed, making breakfast - it's all too dangerously close.
But with that Baren will get up, head over to Chuuya's room to collect his clothes, and probably leave out the window just to leave the conversation at that.
As badly as he craves another person's understanding and company, he still doesn't dare to inflict himself on Chuuya yet again.]
[he knows. he knows. it's becoming clearer and clearer to him that the feelings he thought he'd gotten over were in fact just shoved under the rug, and baren's presence has slowly been dragging them back out into the light.
it scares him, honestly. that they're falling back into this so easily, that his own heart's betraying him-- but most of all it scares him that the very thing that makes him want to keep baren close would probably drive him away for good if he knew. now that he has him back, even if only in part...
he's scared of losing it again.
but if you love something, let it go, right?
so he does. he doesn't move again even after he's heard the window close, just dropping his face onto the table with a soft huff and asking an empty apartment-]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[It's immediate, really. A staple in Baren's language, right next to "Don't tell me what to do" and "It's none of your business". Promises are hard to keep. Considering how much he lies, he knows that his word doesn't mean much but -
Promises. Swears. Those are different.
Still, he lets Chuuya brush his hand away, ends up catching Chuuya's automatically.]
... but I'll think about it.
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[he sighs, gives his head a little shake, and lightly squeezes baren's hand before he lets go and burrows back into the blankets. he knows how baren is; it's a pain in the ass, but beyond that rebuke he lets it go in favor of getting comfortable and moving on.]
Whatever. We can talk later, I guess.
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Everything is unbalanced. He'd rather receive promises than give them, cash in on debts rather than admit he owes them. Typically he can find his way out of most even trades so that he perpetually has the upper hand, even if it means being difficult.
He's been difficult to Chuuya for three years.
Hence the brief - ]
... we can.
[But will they?
Regardless he settles down against the bed too - he doesn't know if he'll bother going to bed tonight, he might leave in a half hour for a walk and see if he can catch another night owl somewhere before sun breaks. Some part of him feels too antsy. Even if another part of him is at home enough to relax in Chuuya's apartment for a bit more, just a little bit more.]
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and normally, he sleeps soundly enough that he never knows when exactly baren left.
tonight, though, he shifts uncomfortably in his sleep, constantly restless, as though something's bothering him in his dreams. it starts off mild, but it slowly grows worse and refuses to be soothed until finally chuuya wakes with a start, eyes wide.
he reflexively grabs for baren's arm without even knowing why, only that he just needs the contact. it'll be a moment before he fully wakes up; for the moment, he clings and just- tries to breathe. whatever happened, it wasn't real. it's fine.
except now that he's beginning to wake, he remembers things with more clarity, and it seems like it might be more real than he wants to think.]
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Except there it is, not quite enough.
When his arm is grabbed, Baren pauses and searches. The worry might not quite be evident on his face, but it's in his eyes as they search Chuuya's, as his arms automatically come to encircle the other if only because he's been there before.
He's been there, waking up in an empty bed and feeling more alone than anything and what he knows is he doesn't want that for Chuuya.]
Breathe.
Just breathe, you're awake. S'fine.
["It was just a dream" is what he wants to say but if it's anything like his....
Maybe it wasn't.]
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[still a little breathless, distracted, with all of it hitting at once-- he knows now what it is he'd trusted his partner with. what he'd done.
if my support comes too late, you'll die. but he doesn't have that same support here, nobody with his ability, nobody who could make it stop after that power creeps in and takes over his body.
he doesn't know what exactly he did. he just knows that he remembers waking up next to a crater that wasn't there before, feeling like death. he knows if it ever happened again--
chuuya shakes his head and buries his face against baren.]
I can't- I don't want to talk about it right now. Just...
I know you don't have to promise me anything, but don't leave.
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Again, again, again Baren thinks that he's the worst person suited for this but he somehow found himself at a place and time where he's the only option. Chuuya buries his face against him and there's a stutter of his heartbeat because "don't leave" is a request that he doesn't know how to answer.
In the end, he'll always have to leave Chuuya - even if it's not immediate. But if he doesn't agree, if he gives in to this urge to run just so that Chuuya learns that you can't trust a snake...
Something twists uncomfortably in his ribcage, even as he lets his arm fall around Chuuya's waist and his fingers run through his hair.]
.... Mm. Sleep, Chuu. If you don't want to talk, sleep it off.
[For now, he makes no plans to move from where he is.]
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it's still a little fitful, though, even if he doesn't wake again. he shifts more than normal, and once or twice it seems like he might be waking, but he's always pulled back under before his eyes can open.
and for once, he sleeps lightly enough that he actually stirs whenever baren finally moves. chuuya shifts, yawns, blinks blearily up at him, and-
notices the light filtering through the window, faint as it may be.
another yawn, and-]
You're making breakfast, right?
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(No, he could still go. Somehow, he would've made it work but - he stays, for reasons he doesn't care to think too deeply about.)
So his hours were spent with one hand carding through Chuuya's hair, watching him carefully when he appeared to grow restless again, and then sighing faintly when he calmed. The times not spent looking after here were reading and it doesn't take long for Baren to realize what he's picked up is a book of Chuuya's own writing but - it's not even like it's the first time he's read it.
Maybe that's why by the time dawn breaks he feels like this is entering that too familiar, dangerous territory. How many mornings did they spend like this before? There's the urge to get up around 6 when the sun's up and start his day, even though he hasn't gotten much sleep at all but. It's been long enough that he was hoping Chuuya would've fallen into a deeper sleep but.
Apparently not.
He places the book back on the nightstand and brushes aside Chuuya's bangs with his freed hand.]
I'm so starved I'm gonna eat enough for two, sorry about it.
[Not that sorry. Also maybe fucking with him a little.]
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[chuuya grumbles and swats lazily at baren's hand, wrapping the blankets around himself again.]
Just let me know when you're finished.
[.... and yeah, that doesn't last long. it's maybe ten minutes after baren's left that chuuya drags himself into the kitchen with a smaller blanket draped around him; he takes a seat then and just watches baren cook, head pillowed on his folded arms.
he just didn't want to be alone. that leads to thinking about it.]
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If he ignored them, they would go away, right.
It's when Chuuya comes outside that the reminiscing is broken and Baren glances over to see him, snorts faintly when he takes a seat and otherwise doesn't say anything.
Though as he waits for the eggs to fry and the rice to be done, he'll grab a glass to fill it with water and then some painkillers. When he passes by Chuuya at the table, both items get set down in front of him as Baren lets his fingers run through his hair as he walks past.]
Don't be a bum. Set the table once you take that.
[It'll give him something to do, right?]
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[chuuya rolls his eyes, but he does at least take the painkillers, and a minute later finally drags himself into motion to get the table set.
he's too easy, he's pretty sure, but if baren is cooking then he'll accept being told to help.
once it's all ready, he falls quiet again for some time as they eat, focused on his plate as he considers whether he really wants to talk about it at all-- but he's told baren everything else, and much as he wants to pretend this new memory doesn't exist... it'll eat at him if he doesn't say something.
besides, after their talk last night, there's something he needs to ask baren to do for him, too. so after he's mostly finished, chuuya says completely out of the blue-]
What you asked me to do for you last night-- I need to ask you the same thing, alright? Make it mutual.
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Though at the request, Baren's eye flicks up to catch Chuuya's expression and - ]
.... I didn't exactly make it easy on you last night, Chuu.
[He's being honest. He knows he asked for a lot.]
You'll need to be more specific.
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[he doesn't quite look at baren, eyes still averted for now. it's still difficult, but- best to just get the worst of it out.]
You know how I remembered being in pretty bad shape, when I was working with Dazai? I know what did that. I did that.
[chuuya pauses, sucks in another breath, exhales slowly.]
If he didn't stop me, I'd have been dead.
[he'll fill in details in a minute. right now, this is what matters.]
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Why is it that the one time he wants to be like Dazai - to be able to stop Chuuya from hurting himself - he doesn't know if he can?
Baren finishes his food, focuses on Chuuya and watches his expression even as he makes it a point to keep his own so carefully neutral. "I'd have been dead" is what Chuuya says - he's not dead yet. He's not on his way there. He's not like Kashuu, who was already too far for Baren to have done anything.
Still, he gives Chuuya the same promise:]
... I'll fix it. Whatever it is.
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[he shakes his head vehemently, there, almost too much so.]
It's my own power that did it. I let something loose, I- made it a lot stronger, I guess, because fuck, I've never felt anything like that. But- he's a nullifier.
[a short pause, as he chews at his lower lip before continuing.]
That's what I was trusting him with. Stopping me. He said if his support was too late, I'd die-- I don't know if I'm even aware of it, I just remember blacking out and waking back up when he touched me.
Next to a goddamn crater in the ground.
no subject
[At some point, Baren stood - because he can see the way that it's getting to Chuuya. There's supposed to be distance between them, there's always supposed to be distance, that's what he's worked on for three years, but. He leans down so he's closer to them, reaching out to put his fingers beneath Chuuya's chin and lift it up so that their eyes lock.]
I'll fix it.
Whatever you need me to do - I'll fix it.
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Just- make it stop. If it happens, make it stop.
[he leaves the how of it vague, fully intentionally.]
I don't think I have to worry about it yet, and... I had to activate it myself, anyway. But I don't know if I can count on that.
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Right. Baren thinks about that - lets it rattle around in his head as he tries to process that information. What way could he stop some kind of wild destructive power that Chuuya has to activate? There's no method for sealing, for nullifying, for suddenly taking these powers away as far as he knows.
Except now he has to look into it, there's no other option. Because if it means that then Chuuya will die then—]
Yeah.
... Yeah, Chuu. I'll figure it out.
[He has to.]
We'll figure it out.
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[he's still uncertain, but if baren says he'll figure it out-
hell, maybe he will. if anyone could pull off something crazy, chuuya thinks it's probably baren.
so he reaches up to take one of baren's hands in his, giving it a little squeeze; he doesn't let go, though, still clinging to it like an anchor.]
I trust you.
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Trusting Baren so desperately, so certainly - that's such a mistake. Yet as Chuuya holds onto his hand, Baren can't bring himself to let go and leave. Not yet.
A breath out.]
..... Yeah.
Yeah, I know you do.
[and he wishes he didn't appreciate it so much when he knows he'll break it all over again]
no subject
[Chuuya manages a half-smile, there, and slowly lets go of Baren's hand.]
Look, if- you need to go, it's fine.
[he doesn't want him to, he doesn't want to be alone, but... that promise is enough that he can let Baren go, for now. he's beginning to trust him to show back up again, recently, as dangerous as that is-- but even if he disappears again, Chuuya is still going to trust him to be there when he has to be.
it's real fucking unfortunate, isn't it.]
no subject
Everyone has been giving him so many outs.
There's a brief inhale and he lets go when Chuuya releases his hand but - he falters. That's a bad sign. That's what makes him feel like they're getting too close, too comfortable again.
So he just gives Chuuya a hesitant glance.]
Alright.
... but you know you can't get used to it, Chuu - me being here - like this.
[He trusts that Chuuya understands what he means.
Staying until morning, sharing a bed, making breakfast - it's all too dangerously close.
But with that Baren will get up, head over to Chuuya's room to collect his clothes, and probably leave out the window just to leave the conversation at that.
As badly as he craves another person's understanding and company, he still doesn't dare to inflict himself on Chuuya yet again.]
no subject
[he knows. he knows. it's becoming clearer and clearer to him that the feelings he thought he'd gotten over were in fact just shoved under the rug, and baren's presence has slowly been dragging them back out into the light.
it scares him, honestly. that they're falling back into this so easily, that his own heart's betraying him-- but most of all it scares him that the very thing that makes him want to keep baren close would probably drive him away for good if he knew. now that he has him back, even if only in part...
he's scared of losing it again.
but if you love something, let it go, right?
so he does. he doesn't move again even after he's heard the window close, just dropping his face onto the table with a soft huff and asking an empty apartment-]
What the fuck are we doing, huh?