I'll have a shot at it if you don't plan on cutting my hands off.
[Because Baren still thinks he can do a salon job for free - and he thinks that the rainbow was funny, but if Zoro has a big job, he probably won't pull the same joke twice.
Anyway.]
Nah, I'm down for a bar. People buying me drinks sounds good.
Baren makes this face where he looks like he swallowed a bug. He falls half a step behind Zoro because he's legitimately stunned. Just him? What the fuck does that mean? He's not "just" anything - but that's also his immediate coping and nitpicking at anything that could make the statement less
well
He's quiet for a moment.
And then he's lifting a foot to literally kick Zoro's ass (he just got out of the hospital Baren) before running ahead, sticking out his tongue.]
You're too fucking slow! Did being stuck in the hospital again age you a thousand years? C'mon, gay grandpa...!! Maybe you can get a drink in before your bedtime!
[Not even precognition could see that kick coming! (Wrong.) He stumbles forward, out the door and into an orderly and their empty wheelchair. Both are startled but Zoro recovers faster, flashing a grin before stealing the empty wheelchair. He gets a running start and then off he goes! Gaining on Baren with increasing speed.]
SINCE WHEN THE HELL WAS I GAY GRANDPA?!
[Zoro, recurring hospital fugitive, sure is shouting that down the hospital halls while speeding on a wheelchair.]
[And that's Baren's intelligent response before he startles, realizing that there's definitely a wheelchair on his tail. Then there's a bark of a laugh as he sidesteps, allowing Zoro to get the lead for a whole half a second before he jumps onto the back of the wheelchair, pushing off to give it another boost of speed as he hitches a ride down the hallway.]
Moron, they'll probably catch you faster this way?!
[All annoyance at "gay grandpa" vanishes the moment Baren joins the wheelchair drag race.]
You push, I steer!
[said right as they take a sharp turn. Zoro steers the wheelchair as if it were one of his cars.]
There's a dinner cart coming up. Get two empty trays! We'll need them for the stairs! [A startled nurse scatters paper as they zip around her. Phone calls start being made.]
[There it goes - and Baren's at least managing that, reaching over to grab the trays as directed, laughing as he does.]
Parking lot, parking lot!! My car's waiting over there - and if you try to drive I will run you over.
[Though as the nurses seem to appear worried, Baren just manages quick lies before also just opting to sound like an ambulance.] Everything is under control, whee-oo, whee-oooooo!
[Baren's siren is almost muffled by Zoro's laughter. Not even the car comment can spoil his mood. Baren can drive all he wants. The hospital can chase him all they want. Everyone can do whatever the fuck they want right now–none of it will crush his joy.
They crash through the doorway to the stairwell. The wheelchair catches on the doorframe and bucks forward, sending them flying down the stairs.] Sit on the tray!
[An impromptu slide. Still pumpy, still painful, but they'll make it to the first landing safe. That's all they need. Zoro grabs Baren's hand and rushes him down the last flight to the ground floor.]
Except there's the rush of that and Baren's cracking up, not quite able to argue up until they're rushing down to the ground floor and Zoro grabs onto his hand. There's a moment where he feels a flash of confusion - why is he holding onto me? - before he rolls his eyes, pushing down the feeling to instead reaching out so that he can plant his other hand on Zoro's shoulder, slip his current one out of his hand, and effectively leap frog over him to make it to the parking lot first like a nimble nightmare.
[Another stumble to keep from faceplanting into the ground. Thanks for the warning, Baren.]
Cheater! [How dare he get out the door first!! Using trickery!! Zoro plows through a visiting family, ducks under a security guard and hop-spins out the door. Takes a moment to glance around before realizing...
He forgot what Baren's car looks like.]
Car!! [Which clearly translates to: Which one is yours?]
[Which is to say that Baren definitely grabbed his flashy red Spyder to come and get Zoro. Because even though he's supposed to keep a low profile... he should probably invest in a more normal car for that. That's a problem for later, though. He's already sliding into the driver's seat and turning on the car, though, humming in a sing-song.]
[and he just got out of the hospital.... but at least baren still obeys traffic laws, hence why he's stopping at a stopsign before he gets out of the parking garage
he unlocks the door bc he doesn't want zoro pawing at the car for too long
even as he's still cracking up in the driver's seat]
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[Because Baren still thinks he can do a salon job for free - and he thinks that the rainbow was funny, but if Zoro has a big job, he probably won't pull the same joke twice.
Anyway.]
Nah, I'm down for a bar. People buying me drinks sounds good.
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[He sounds... put out? It doesn't really feel like a celebration if he's not treating the person he's dragging along.
Maybe he should just be happy he doesn't have to spend money.
(He's not, though.)]
I'm not letting you near my hair again.
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[re: the hair
because baren admittedly turns right on his heel so that he can face zoro properly and lean right up into his space with a shit-eating grin]
Why? You know you don't have to buy my drinks to take me home, Z.
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Don't need to tell me that. You follow me home easy enough on your own.
[Does he understand what Baren's saying?? Does he even have the slightest clue??]
I just want to take you out. It's my idea to celebrate. Only fair.
[Does he understand what he's saying??????]
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one day
one day
zoro is going to come home to a giant banner in the houseboat that just says "i'd let you fuck me"
but today is not that day
anyway whenever baren is done being shocked at this level of density-]
.... You really need more friends if I'm the one you wanna take out....
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[100% genuine question, as if the thought of anyone else hadn't even crossed his mind. Probably because they hadn't.]
I'm fine having just you.
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Baren makes this face where he looks like he swallowed a bug. He falls half a step behind Zoro because he's legitimately stunned. Just him? What the fuck does that mean? He's not "just" anything - but that's also his immediate coping and nitpicking at anything that could make the statement less
well
He's quiet for a moment.
And then he's lifting a foot to literally kick Zoro's ass (he just got out of the hospital Baren) before running ahead, sticking out his tongue.]
You're too fucking slow! Did being stuck in the hospital again age you a thousand years? C'mon, gay grandpa...!! Maybe you can get a drink in before your bedtime!
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[Not even precognition could see that kick coming! (Wrong.) He stumbles forward, out the door and into an orderly and their empty wheelchair. Both are startled but Zoro recovers faster, flashing a grin before stealing the empty wheelchair. He gets a running start and then off he goes! Gaining on Baren with increasing speed.]
SINCE WHEN THE HELL WAS I GAY GRANDPA?!
[Zoro, recurring hospital fugitive, sure is shouting that down the hospital halls while speeding on a wheelchair.]
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[And that's Baren's intelligent response before he startles, realizing that there's definitely a wheelchair on his tail. Then there's a bark of a laugh as he sidesteps, allowing Zoro to get the lead for a whole half a second before he jumps onto the back of the wheelchair, pushing off to give it another boost of speed as he hitches a ride down the hallway.]
Moron, they'll probably catch you faster this way?!
[says the guy who literally jumped on the idea]
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[All annoyance at "gay grandpa" vanishes the moment Baren joins the wheelchair drag race.]
You push, I steer!
[said right as they take a sharp turn. Zoro steers the wheelchair as if it were one of his cars.]
There's a dinner cart coming up. Get two empty trays! We'll need them for the stairs! [A startled nurse scatters paper as they zip around her. Phone calls start being made.]
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Parking lot, parking lot!! My car's waiting over there - and if you try to drive I will run you over.
[Though as the nurses seem to appear worried, Baren just manages quick lies before also just opting to sound like an ambulance.] Everything is under control, whee-oo, whee-oooooo!
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They crash through the doorway to the stairwell. The wheelchair catches on the doorframe and bucks forward, sending them flying down the stairs.] Sit on the tray!
[An impromptu slide. Still pumpy, still painful, but they'll make it to the first landing safe. That's all they need. Zoro grabs Baren's hand and rushes him down the last flight to the ground floor.]
Gotta keep moving! Come on!
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Except there's the rush of that and Baren's cracking up, not quite able to argue up until they're rushing down to the ground floor and Zoro grabs onto his hand. There's a moment where he feels a flash of confusion - why is he holding onto me? - before he rolls his eyes, pushing down the feeling to instead reaching out so that he can plant his other hand on Zoro's shoulder, slip his current one out of his hand, and effectively leap frog over him to make it to the parking lot first like a nimble nightmare.
Then running on ahead - ]
That's my line! Keep up, keep up!
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Cheater! [How dare he get out the door first!! Using trickery!! Zoro plows through a visiting family, ducks under a security guard and hop-spins out the door. Takes a moment to glance around before realizing...
He forgot what Baren's car looks like.]
Car!! [Which clearly translates to: Which one is yours?]
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[Which is to say that Baren definitely grabbed his flashy red Spyder to come and get Zoro. Because even though he's supposed to keep a low profile... he should probably invest in a more normal car for that. That's a problem for later, though. He's already sliding into the driver's seat and turning on the car, though, humming in a sing-song.]
You have two seconds before I leave you. ♪
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What the–?! Liar! You're not here!
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Happy to drive right past Zoro with the obnoxious roar of an engine, laughing as he goes.]
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ASSHOLE!
[did you think he wouldn't chase after it? because he is. he's running after a car.]
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he unlocks the door bc he doesn't want zoro pawing at the car for too long
even as he's still cracking up in the driver's seat]
If you bleed on this leather, I'm disowning you.
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[He wiggles a bit in the seat as if to demonstrate his future heinous deed. Also closes the car door and buckles in. Safety first.]
Who'd you steal this car from?
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You know that one guy from like 2 months ago that wanted to impress me by letting me have his Rolex?
He was just so generous I figured, "I think I'm pretty enough to earn his car, too."
[The lies come so easy.]
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[He remembers the watch more than the guy himself.]
You're still seeing that guy?
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[HE'S EASY TO PLEASE but he's also driving off to bring them closer to downtown. Time to hit the bars!!]
But nah, I was just in his neighborhood and his home security's not all he claimed it to be.
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[Is the guy stupid? Who would let a Spyder go? Guy deserved to have it stolen.]
Just how deep did that guy fall for you?
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Are you jeeeaaalous? You know you're the only dumb musclehead showoff for me, Z.
[and he cracks up..... because baren is a mess of a human]
What does it matter?
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