[he sees where baren is sort of going with this, and- it's a terrifying thought. he's always been awful at hiding his feelings, can't mask the deep furrow in his brow or the growing concern as baren continues, and it's all he can do to keep his hands to himself.
chuuya knows even less than baren, but he's coming to the same conclusion with that mention of it being a serpent with those strange scales around baren's eye.]
...you think the vessel part might mean-?
[he stops there, shakes his head, not willing to say it out loud. he pauses, takes in another steadying breath.]
I- shit, Baren. I don't know either. But- aren't you the one always saying things don't have to be like whatever we see in those memories? Maybe this prophecy thing doesn't work the same way here, maybe this Orochi doesn't exist. It could just... belong to whatever world you've been seeing, right? Not to you.
[he hopes so, he really hopes so. baren is chaotic, he's always known that, but destructive?
it's harder to think of baren being tied to that.]
[Things don't have to be like how they are in what he's seeing.
Except for some reason, things keep playing out similarly enough that he keeps triggering them. Just like how an angry mob tried to ruin and wreck his shrine in his memories, Zoro could inspire a bunch of people to start a manhunt because they couldn't take a joke. Baren still thinks that people aren't meant to be anything, they just are. Good and bad aren't so clearly defined.
Except.
What if he's really fated to be not worth anything at all?
He's quiet as he considers Chuuya's words, then forces his shoulders to relax. He exhales, then glances back up at Chuuya.]
Yeah... right?
[ . . . . ]
Just makes you wonder what'll happen if that's wrong, though.
[A crack - he'll open the door just a crack. The smallest sliver of his own fears.]
[Not for the first time, Baren thinks that Chuuya's too honest.
His expression doesn't outwardly change, though his fingers do briefly curl around the bed sheets just a bit more, as if trying to find something to hold onto. We? Partners? Even if he agreed to it - he didn't think that it extended this far. There's never been a "we" in Baren's life that he could rely on, not outside of him and Okuni.
Even if it doesn't make its way onto his face, his chest aches with a question: 'How do I learn to trust you?']
... ah...
[A soft exhale.
Partnership was supposed to be a convenient word to get Chuuya to tell him everything, to keep an eye on him. Having him so sincerely believe it... really, how can he believe in someone like Baren like that?]
What, you really want to ask me to be the responsible one? Are you sure about that?
[he's known baren long enough to see that the smile doesn't quite go far enough, that it doesn't light his eyes up in the way chuuya is so familiar with-- so he almost feels compelled to try to keep the mood light, false as it might be. maybe that'll make it more genuine.
a moment later though, his smile fades, because there's no teasing when it comes to this kind of answer.]
I will, okay? Promise. I- don't know how I'd stop you, but... I'd find a way.
[And despite everything, Baren doesn't let his smile drop. It's simple, isn't it? If he's a monster, hunt him down. He says it as plainly as "the dinner leftovers are in your fridge". There's a moment where he reaches up to his hair, fussing with it even now.]
Anyway, isn't that enough scary stories for one night? I'll have nightmares at this rate, Chuu.
...alright. Yeah, I can do that. Just- promise one thing before we leave it there, 'kay?
[he reaches out again there, brushing baren's hand away from his hair. it's important, c'mon.]
If you remember anything about the 'sealing' part that it mentioned, tell me about that too. Seems like a need-to-know type of thing for what you want me to do, you know?
[because if there's more to it than just hunting down a monster, should baren ever become one-- if there's anything that could be an option beyond the obvious end to it-- he'd take it.]
[It's immediate, really. A staple in Baren's language, right next to "Don't tell me what to do" and "It's none of your business". Promises are hard to keep. Considering how much he lies, he knows that his word doesn't mean much but -
Promises. Swears. Those are different.
Still, he lets Chuuya brush his hand away, ends up catching Chuuya's automatically.]
C'mon, Baren, this is kind of a big promise here. You can say you'll tell me one damn thing.
[he sighs, gives his head a little shake, and lightly squeezes baren's hand before he lets go and burrows back into the blankets. he knows how baren is; it's a pain in the ass, but beyond that rebuke he lets it go in favor of getting comfortable and moving on.]
Everything is unbalanced. He'd rather receive promises than give them, cash in on debts rather than admit he owes them. Typically he can find his way out of most even trades so that he perpetually has the upper hand, even if it means being difficult.
He's been difficult to Chuuya for three years.
Hence the brief - ]
... we can.
[But will they?
Regardless he settles down against the bed too - he doesn't know if he'll bother going to bed tonight, he might leave in a half hour for a walk and see if he can catch another night owl somewhere before sun breaks. Some part of him feels too antsy. Even if another part of him is at home enough to relax in Chuuya's apartment for a bit more, just a little bit more.]
[chuuya knows he'll be leaving before morning. he always does. but it never stops him from getting comfortable, and he always ends up curling against baren not long after falling asleep, just out of habits that somehow haven't died.
and normally, he sleeps soundly enough that he never knows when exactly baren left.
tonight, though, he shifts uncomfortably in his sleep, constantly restless, as though something's bothering him in his dreams. it starts off mild, but it slowly grows worse and refuses to be soothed until finally chuuya wakes with a start, eyes wide.
he reflexively grabs for baren's arm without even knowing why, only that he just needs the contact. it'll be a moment before he fully wakes up; for the moment, he clings and just- tries to breathe. whatever happened, it wasn't real. it's fine.
except now that he's beginning to wake, he remembers things with more clarity, and it seems like it might be more real than he wants to think.]
[Despite himself, Baren still hasn't left. It's slow, like watching a sunset, how gradually Chuuya comes to curl against him and he settles on letting him - just for now. When he starts to shift, Baren can recognize the edges of a nightmare - his fingers start to run through Chuuya's hair automatically in a soothing, repetitive motion that he knows Chuuya likes—
Except there it is, not quite enough.
When his arm is grabbed, Baren pauses and searches. The worry might not quite be evident on his face, but it's in his eyes as they search Chuuya's, as his arms automatically come to encircle the other if only because he's been there before.
He's been there, waking up in an empty bed and feeling more alone than anything and what he knows is he doesn't want that for Chuuya.]
Breathe.
Just breathe, you're awake. S'fine.
["It was just a dream" is what he wants to say but if it's anything like his....
[still a little breathless, distracted, with all of it hitting at once-- he knows now what it is he'd trusted his partner with. what he'd done.
if my support comes too late, you'll die. but he doesn't have that same support here, nobody with his ability, nobody who could make it stop after that power creeps in and takes over his body.
he doesn't know what exactly he did. he just knows that he remembers waking up next to a crater that wasn't there before, feeling like death. he knows if it ever happened again--
chuuya shakes his head and buries his face against baren.]
I can't- I don't want to talk about it right now. Just...
I know you don't have to promise me anything, but don't leave.
Again, again, again Baren thinks that he's the worst person suited for this but he somehow found himself at a place and time where he's the only option. Chuuya buries his face against him and there's a stutter of his heartbeat because "don't leave" is a request that he doesn't know how to answer.
In the end, he'll always have to leave Chuuya - even if it's not immediate. But if he doesn't agree, if he gives in to this urge to run just so that Chuuya learns that you can't trust a snake...
Something twists uncomfortably in his ribcage, even as he lets his arm fall around Chuuya's waist and his fingers run through his hair.]
.... Mm. Sleep, Chuu. If you don't want to talk, sleep it off.
[For now, he makes no plans to move from where he is.]
[that's enough for him, at least for now. chuuya nods, settling back in (if still a little uneasily), and while it takes a little longer than usual for his breathing to slow-- he does manage to sleep.
it's still a little fitful, though, even if he doesn't wake again. he shifts more than normal, and once or twice it seems like he might be waking, but he's always pulled back under before his eyes can open.
and for once, he sleeps lightly enough that he actually stirs whenever baren finally moves. chuuya shifts, yawns, blinks blearily up at him, and-
notices the light filtering through the window, faint as it may be.
[Baren's movements over the course of the night are small - he reaches over to grab the nearest book available for him to read to pass the time. Even if he wanted to go, Chuuya's fitful sleep makes it impossible for him to find the opening.
(No, he could still go. Somehow, he would've made it work but - he stays, for reasons he doesn't care to think too deeply about.)
So his hours were spent with one hand carding through Chuuya's hair, watching him carefully when he appeared to grow restless again, and then sighing faintly when he calmed. The times not spent looking after here were reading and it doesn't take long for Baren to realize what he's picked up is a book of Chuuya's own writing but - it's not even like it's the first time he's read it.
Maybe that's why by the time dawn breaks he feels like this is entering that too familiar, dangerous territory. How many mornings did they spend like this before? There's the urge to get up around 6 when the sun's up and start his day, even though he hasn't gotten much sleep at all but. It's been long enough that he was hoping Chuuya would've fallen into a deeper sleep but.
Apparently not.
He places the book back on the nightstand and brushes aside Chuuya's bangs with his freed hand.]
I'm so starved I'm gonna eat enough for two, sorry about it.
[Not that sorry. Also maybe fucking with him a little.]
[chuuya grumbles and swats lazily at baren's hand, wrapping the blankets around himself again.]
Just let me know when you're finished.
[.... and yeah, that doesn't last long. it's maybe ten minutes after baren's left that chuuya drags himself into the kitchen with a smaller blanket draped around him; he takes a seat then and just watches baren cook, head pillowed on his folded arms.
he just didn't want to be alone. that leads to thinking about it.]
[There was a faint "fuck you" before Baren untangled himself from Chuuya and the bedsheets. It was again too familiar for him to grab his boxers and then dig through Chuuya's drawers to find the largest pair of sweats he had so that they didn't cut off too short on Baren's legs. Navigating Chuuya's kitchen way too early in the morning to make breakfast brought up those same ghosts.
If he ignored them, they would go away, right.
It's when Chuuya comes outside that the reminiscing is broken and Baren glances over to see him, snorts faintly when he takes a seat and otherwise doesn't say anything.
Though as he waits for the eggs to fry and the rice to be done, he'll grab a glass to fill it with water and then some painkillers. When he passes by Chuuya at the table, both items get set down in front of him as Baren lets his fingers run through his hair as he walks past.]
[chuuya rolls his eyes, but he does at least take the painkillers, and a minute later finally drags himself into motion to get the table set.
he's too easy, he's pretty sure, but if baren is cooking then he'll accept being told to help.
once it's all ready, he falls quiet again for some time as they eat, focused on his plate as he considers whether he really wants to talk about it at all-- but he's told baren everything else, and much as he wants to pretend this new memory doesn't exist... it'll eat at him if he doesn't say something.
besides, after their talk last night, there's something he needs to ask baren to do for him, too. so after he's mostly finished, chuuya says completely out of the blue-]
What you asked me to do for you last night-- I need to ask you the same thing, alright? Make it mutual.
[The silence is accepted. It's calm enough that it lets Baren's own thoughts wander. There's a few minutes where he disappears just to grab his phone and text Okuni that he's okay, but then he's back before he thinks Chuuya would get antsy being alone.
Though at the request, Baren's eye flicks up to catch Chuuya's expression and - ]
.... I didn't exactly make it easy on you last night, Chuu.
[The second that Chuuya says "Dazai", Baren is careful to keep his pokerface in place. There's been too many times with them where Baren has managed to fill in the place of this Dazai to trigger Chuuya's memories but -
Why is it that the one time he wants to be like Dazai - to be able to stop Chuuya from hurting himself - he doesn't know if he can?
Baren finishes his food, focuses on Chuuya and watches his expression even as he makes it a point to keep his own so carefully neutral. "I'd have been dead" is what Chuuya says - he's not dead yet. He's not on his way there. He's not like Kashuu, who was already too far for Baren to have done anything.
[he shakes his head vehemently, there, almost too much so.]
It's my own power that did it. I let something loose, I- made it a lot stronger, I guess, because fuck, I've never felt anything like that. But- he's a nullifier.
[a short pause, as he chews at his lower lip before continuing.]
That's what I was trusting him with. Stopping me. He said if his support was too late, I'd die-- I don't know if I'm even aware of it, I just remember blacking out and waking back up when he touched me.
[At some point, Baren stood - because he can see the way that it's getting to Chuuya. There's supposed to be distance between them, there's always supposed to be distance, that's what he's worked on for three years, but. He leans down so he's closer to them, reaching out to put his fingers beneath Chuuya's chin and lift it up so that their eyes lock.]
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chuuya knows even less than baren, but he's coming to the same conclusion with that mention of it being a serpent with those strange scales around baren's eye.]
...you think the vessel part might mean-?
[he stops there, shakes his head, not willing to say it out loud. he pauses, takes in another steadying breath.]
I- shit, Baren. I don't know either. But- aren't you the one always saying things don't have to be like whatever we see in those memories? Maybe this prophecy thing doesn't work the same way here, maybe this Orochi doesn't exist. It could just... belong to whatever world you've been seeing, right? Not to you.
[he hopes so, he really hopes so. baren is chaotic, he's always known that, but destructive?
it's harder to think of baren being tied to that.]
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Except for some reason, things keep playing out similarly enough that he keeps triggering them. Just like how an angry mob tried to ruin and wreck his shrine in his memories, Zoro could inspire a bunch of people to start a manhunt because they couldn't take a joke. Baren still thinks that people aren't meant to be anything, they just are. Good and bad aren't so clearly defined.
Except.
What if he's really fated to be not worth anything at all?
He's quiet as he considers Chuuya's words, then forces his shoulders to relax. He exhales, then glances back up at Chuuya.]
Yeah... right?
[ . . . . ]
Just makes you wonder what'll happen if that's wrong, though.
[A crack - he'll open the door just a crack. The smallest sliver of his own fears.]
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[concern shifts to determination there, chin lifting slightly, jaw set.]
You're not the kind of person to just give up. And-
[chuuya lets a small smile crack through, there.]
We're partners now, you know? If that's wrong, I'm not gonna let you deal with it by yourself.
[1/2]
His expression doesn't outwardly change, though his fingers do briefly curl around the bed sheets just a bit more, as if trying to find something to hold onto. We? Partners? Even if he agreed to it - he didn't think that it extended this far. There's never been a "we" in Baren's life that he could rely on, not outside of him and Okuni.
Even if it doesn't make its way onto his face, his chest aches with a question: 'How do I learn to trust you?']
... ah...
[A soft exhale.
Partnership was supposed to be a convenient word to get Chuuya to tell him everything, to keep an eye on him. Having him so sincerely believe it... really, how can he believe in someone like Baren like that?]
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You're too much, Chuu.
[He lets a small smile play across his lips, his eyebrow raising.]
If this ends up being wrong, it's on you to stop me, alright?
[A joke - lighthearted... except for the pieces in where it's not, where the mirth doesn't quite reach Baren's eyes.]
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[he's known baren long enough to see that the smile doesn't quite go far enough, that it doesn't light his eyes up in the way chuuya is so familiar with-- so he almost feels compelled to try to keep the mood light, false as it might be. maybe that'll make it more genuine.
a moment later though, his smile fades, because there's no teasing when it comes to this kind of answer.]
I will, okay? Promise. I- don't know how I'd stop you, but... I'd find a way.
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[And despite everything, Baren doesn't let his smile drop. It's simple, isn't it? If he's a monster, hunt him down. He says it as plainly as "the dinner leftovers are in your fridge". There's a moment where he reaches up to his hair, fussing with it even now.]
Anyway, isn't that enough scary stories for one night? I'll have nightmares at this rate, Chuu.
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[he reaches out again there, brushing baren's hand away from his hair. it's important, c'mon.]
If you remember anything about the 'sealing' part that it mentioned, tell me about that too. Seems like a need-to-know type of thing for what you want me to do, you know?
[because if there's more to it than just hunting down a monster, should baren ever become one-- if there's anything that could be an option beyond the obvious end to it-- he'd take it.]
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[It's immediate, really. A staple in Baren's language, right next to "Don't tell me what to do" and "It's none of your business". Promises are hard to keep. Considering how much he lies, he knows that his word doesn't mean much but -
Promises. Swears. Those are different.
Still, he lets Chuuya brush his hand away, ends up catching Chuuya's automatically.]
... but I'll think about it.
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[he sighs, gives his head a little shake, and lightly squeezes baren's hand before he lets go and burrows back into the blankets. he knows how baren is; it's a pain in the ass, but beyond that rebuke he lets it go in favor of getting comfortable and moving on.]
Whatever. We can talk later, I guess.
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Everything is unbalanced. He'd rather receive promises than give them, cash in on debts rather than admit he owes them. Typically he can find his way out of most even trades so that he perpetually has the upper hand, even if it means being difficult.
He's been difficult to Chuuya for three years.
Hence the brief - ]
... we can.
[But will they?
Regardless he settles down against the bed too - he doesn't know if he'll bother going to bed tonight, he might leave in a half hour for a walk and see if he can catch another night owl somewhere before sun breaks. Some part of him feels too antsy. Even if another part of him is at home enough to relax in Chuuya's apartment for a bit more, just a little bit more.]
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and normally, he sleeps soundly enough that he never knows when exactly baren left.
tonight, though, he shifts uncomfortably in his sleep, constantly restless, as though something's bothering him in his dreams. it starts off mild, but it slowly grows worse and refuses to be soothed until finally chuuya wakes with a start, eyes wide.
he reflexively grabs for baren's arm without even knowing why, only that he just needs the contact. it'll be a moment before he fully wakes up; for the moment, he clings and just- tries to breathe. whatever happened, it wasn't real. it's fine.
except now that he's beginning to wake, he remembers things with more clarity, and it seems like it might be more real than he wants to think.]
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Except there it is, not quite enough.
When his arm is grabbed, Baren pauses and searches. The worry might not quite be evident on his face, but it's in his eyes as they search Chuuya's, as his arms automatically come to encircle the other if only because he's been there before.
He's been there, waking up in an empty bed and feeling more alone than anything and what he knows is he doesn't want that for Chuuya.]
Breathe.
Just breathe, you're awake. S'fine.
["It was just a dream" is what he wants to say but if it's anything like his....
Maybe it wasn't.]
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[still a little breathless, distracted, with all of it hitting at once-- he knows now what it is he'd trusted his partner with. what he'd done.
if my support comes too late, you'll die. but he doesn't have that same support here, nobody with his ability, nobody who could make it stop after that power creeps in and takes over his body.
he doesn't know what exactly he did. he just knows that he remembers waking up next to a crater that wasn't there before, feeling like death. he knows if it ever happened again--
chuuya shakes his head and buries his face against baren.]
I can't- I don't want to talk about it right now. Just...
I know you don't have to promise me anything, but don't leave.
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Again, again, again Baren thinks that he's the worst person suited for this but he somehow found himself at a place and time where he's the only option. Chuuya buries his face against him and there's a stutter of his heartbeat because "don't leave" is a request that he doesn't know how to answer.
In the end, he'll always have to leave Chuuya - even if it's not immediate. But if he doesn't agree, if he gives in to this urge to run just so that Chuuya learns that you can't trust a snake...
Something twists uncomfortably in his ribcage, even as he lets his arm fall around Chuuya's waist and his fingers run through his hair.]
.... Mm. Sleep, Chuu. If you don't want to talk, sleep it off.
[For now, he makes no plans to move from where he is.]
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it's still a little fitful, though, even if he doesn't wake again. he shifts more than normal, and once or twice it seems like he might be waking, but he's always pulled back under before his eyes can open.
and for once, he sleeps lightly enough that he actually stirs whenever baren finally moves. chuuya shifts, yawns, blinks blearily up at him, and-
notices the light filtering through the window, faint as it may be.
another yawn, and-]
You're making breakfast, right?
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(No, he could still go. Somehow, he would've made it work but - he stays, for reasons he doesn't care to think too deeply about.)
So his hours were spent with one hand carding through Chuuya's hair, watching him carefully when he appeared to grow restless again, and then sighing faintly when he calmed. The times not spent looking after here were reading and it doesn't take long for Baren to realize what he's picked up is a book of Chuuya's own writing but - it's not even like it's the first time he's read it.
Maybe that's why by the time dawn breaks he feels like this is entering that too familiar, dangerous territory. How many mornings did they spend like this before? There's the urge to get up around 6 when the sun's up and start his day, even though he hasn't gotten much sleep at all but. It's been long enough that he was hoping Chuuya would've fallen into a deeper sleep but.
Apparently not.
He places the book back on the nightstand and brushes aside Chuuya's bangs with his freed hand.]
I'm so starved I'm gonna eat enough for two, sorry about it.
[Not that sorry. Also maybe fucking with him a little.]
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[chuuya grumbles and swats lazily at baren's hand, wrapping the blankets around himself again.]
Just let me know when you're finished.
[.... and yeah, that doesn't last long. it's maybe ten minutes after baren's left that chuuya drags himself into the kitchen with a smaller blanket draped around him; he takes a seat then and just watches baren cook, head pillowed on his folded arms.
he just didn't want to be alone. that leads to thinking about it.]
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If he ignored them, they would go away, right.
It's when Chuuya comes outside that the reminiscing is broken and Baren glances over to see him, snorts faintly when he takes a seat and otherwise doesn't say anything.
Though as he waits for the eggs to fry and the rice to be done, he'll grab a glass to fill it with water and then some painkillers. When he passes by Chuuya at the table, both items get set down in front of him as Baren lets his fingers run through his hair as he walks past.]
Don't be a bum. Set the table once you take that.
[It'll give him something to do, right?]
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[chuuya rolls his eyes, but he does at least take the painkillers, and a minute later finally drags himself into motion to get the table set.
he's too easy, he's pretty sure, but if baren is cooking then he'll accept being told to help.
once it's all ready, he falls quiet again for some time as they eat, focused on his plate as he considers whether he really wants to talk about it at all-- but he's told baren everything else, and much as he wants to pretend this new memory doesn't exist... it'll eat at him if he doesn't say something.
besides, after their talk last night, there's something he needs to ask baren to do for him, too. so after he's mostly finished, chuuya says completely out of the blue-]
What you asked me to do for you last night-- I need to ask you the same thing, alright? Make it mutual.
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Though at the request, Baren's eye flicks up to catch Chuuya's expression and - ]
.... I didn't exactly make it easy on you last night, Chuu.
[He's being honest. He knows he asked for a lot.]
You'll need to be more specific.
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[he doesn't quite look at baren, eyes still averted for now. it's still difficult, but- best to just get the worst of it out.]
You know how I remembered being in pretty bad shape, when I was working with Dazai? I know what did that. I did that.
[chuuya pauses, sucks in another breath, exhales slowly.]
If he didn't stop me, I'd have been dead.
[he'll fill in details in a minute. right now, this is what matters.]
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Why is it that the one time he wants to be like Dazai - to be able to stop Chuuya from hurting himself - he doesn't know if he can?
Baren finishes his food, focuses on Chuuya and watches his expression even as he makes it a point to keep his own so carefully neutral. "I'd have been dead" is what Chuuya says - he's not dead yet. He's not on his way there. He's not like Kashuu, who was already too far for Baren to have done anything.
Still, he gives Chuuya the same promise:]
... I'll fix it. Whatever it is.
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[he shakes his head vehemently, there, almost too much so.]
It's my own power that did it. I let something loose, I- made it a lot stronger, I guess, because fuck, I've never felt anything like that. But- he's a nullifier.
[a short pause, as he chews at his lower lip before continuing.]
That's what I was trusting him with. Stopping me. He said if his support was too late, I'd die-- I don't know if I'm even aware of it, I just remember blacking out and waking back up when he touched me.
Next to a goddamn crater in the ground.
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[At some point, Baren stood - because he can see the way that it's getting to Chuuya. There's supposed to be distance between them, there's always supposed to be distance, that's what he's worked on for three years, but. He leans down so he's closer to them, reaching out to put his fingers beneath Chuuya's chin and lift it up so that their eyes lock.]
I'll fix it.
Whatever you need me to do - I'll fix it.
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